Are you struggling with the thoughts of getting your ex girlfriend back but you don’t know how?
Do you believe the bonding between the two of you is “meant to be” and you can’t seem to let this idea go?
Are you longing get back together with your ex-girlfriend?
Most likely, that you’re here with me reading this post, those thoughts and questions are popping up inside your mind.
With this article my intention is to help you to take your power back from these haunting thoughts, come back to what’s in your control (you) and empower you with tips and steps that will make a reconciliation most likely.
But before we actually do that let’s talk about some important things…
Do ex-girlfriends ever come back?
In this study we have found that around 30% of the people researched are able to reconcile with their ex after they break up. From this 30%, only 15% of the people are able to stay connected in a healthy, loving relationship. The other 15% unfortunately, separate again afterwards.
As you can see research shows that there is a good chance to get back together with your ex. The real challenge however is to stay together in a healthy relationship.
Below we share some questions and ideas that will help you on get your ex girlfriend back.
There are more factors that influences an ex’s return and for that I would recommend you reading my article: Do exes come back?.
Questions to Ask Yourself Before Trying to Get Your Ex Girlfriend back:
It’s very common or human-like (I would say) to feel connected with your ex. It doesn’t mean that you start to run back to your ex. Instead, first, ask yourself the following questions:
- Why relationship ended?
Did you fight? Were you in a different phase of life? Did the two of you have too many differences that it was hard to navigate?
Was one person not “in love” anymore? Did one of you lose attraction?
If the reason for separation didn’t have anything to do with love, but more with circumstances, the chances for repair are very high when the circumstances are right.
On the other hand, if your girl stops feeling attracted then making relationship work going to be real tough.
- Has anything changed since the breakup?
When you and your partner have learned from their mistakes and you have been able to fix the things that made your partner leave and visa versa, the stakes of getting back together are pretty high.
If you left unchanged however, expecting to be together with your ex-girlfriend while you didn’t do any work on yourself that made her leave in the first place, the chances are very low to get back together again.
- Do I genuinely miss her, or am I just lonely?
Sometimes you can think that you miss someone, but the reality is that you just don’t know how to be alone or haven’t experienced this yet.
There is a big difference between truly “missing someone” or just being lonely.
If you genuinely miss her, the chance for repair might be higher than when it comes from loneliness. However, that you miss her doesn’t automatically mean she misses you too.
- Am I idealizing the past?
You can tend to romanticize your past relationship that, in reality, wasn’t so beautiful as your mind is making you believe in this very moment.
We grow what we water. Just sit down and ask yourself: “Am I making this more beautiful than it is and was?”
- Is getting back together in both our best interests?
If you weren’t the right fit for her because she was for example a much more free person than you were and she felt suffocated in your arms, getting back together isn’t the best solution.
She clearly then needs someone who matches her values.
Also if you were the one that was hurting her, not valuing her and you haven’t been willing to change that, then getting back together isn’t in the best interest of the both of you.
If you have been changing the parts of yourself that were in your control (such as behaviors) that were the cause of the ending of the relationship, chances are medium high to get back together.
11 Tips to Get Your Ex-Girlfriend Back
Part A: The Journey of Self-Development
1. Heal Before Rushing back into the relationship
This might be the most important and overlooked part of the relationship breakup.
What I have seen with myself in my past, is that I rushed into all these strategies to get back together with my ex.
I wouldn’t let myself truly live if I wasn’t with this person. This has caused me a lot of energy to just think of my ex-partner all the time.
It was slurping all of my attention.
One of the most important shifts that I took to make the break up into something to grow from, is to start to develop myself from the pain instead of letting it define me.
This means to go after the things that you wanted. This means to go on that journey alone. Learn a certain skill. Connect to new people. To name some examples.
Do self reflection before jumping back into the relationship with your ex girlfriend.
2. Be sincere and honest
If this relationship was very hard and the differences between the both of you were too high, be honest with yourself.
I get it that you badly want to get your ex girlfriend back but be real with yourself.
Just because you’re alone now or that you’re hurt from being rejected or abandoned, doesn’t mean that this person is “your one and only”.
Were the two of you really so great on paper? Or is your mind mostly believing that the two of you together were so great?
Don’t reject negative feelings about the relationship, feel them and contemplate on them to unlock the inner wisdom and self growth.
3. Go on a No Contact Period
If you’re able to let the things you love be free, you get an opportunity to see what truly wants to stay. I have learned some time ago to never force love.
I used to be a woman that would fight for “love”. That would do anything to keep it but. I have learned to loosen my grip and let anything that wants to slip, slip.
That doesn’t mean that I don’t care. It means that I trust.
When my (current) girlfriend decided to separate from the relationship, I told her to not be in contact with me until she made up her mind and knew what she wanted.
Me taking a step back for a moment by going on no contact rule, made her realize what she lost. She missed me deeply and realised that she wanted to build a life with me which we’re doing right now.
4. Don’t get engaged in a rebound relationship
If your ex girlfriend broke up with you it doesn’t mean you have a hall pass to get into a new relationship to make her feel jealous.
You would be surprised how many people do it.
Don’t go to another person just to have a distraction from your own hurt and feelings. This can make things really messed up because you’re still healing.
You’re still healing from your old relationship and you should allow yourself time to grieve. You shouldn’t rush into another romantic relationship just to distract yourself.
This next rebound relationship might result in even more hurt and confusion than when you just take the time to ground yourself first.
5. Spend time with others
A lot of men believe in spending time with other girls after the breakup (post pictures on social media) and portray them as a high value guy. While this strategy do work but it comes with consequences and high risk. I wouldn’t personally recommend it to anybody.
Now you must be wondering: But you just said don’t get in a rebound relationship or start dating.
You’re right. But, it doesn’t mean you can’t hang around with other women.
Seeing you hanging around other women will spark jealousy in your ex girlfriend. And, your ex could feel like they may loose you and your stakes will go high up.
Part B: Reconciliation, Getting Your Ex Back
6. Reestablish the communication with your ex
If you’re ready to start the communication with your ex-girlfriend again, here are some tips:
- First of all, don’t overask. Start with just a simple “Hey! How have you been? It has been a long time since we spoke.” This is for you to feel into the waters.
- Don’t rush. Take it easy. Don’t be too direct and get to know her again as if it’s the first time you start to get to know someone again. Ask your ex questions and listen to her answers.
- Don’t immediately bring up past relationships issues but first focus on making her smile again. In that way she might remember why she loved you in the first place.
- If all goes well for quite some time and it feels nice, you can plan to do something together. Make sure you don’t get friendzoned and make your intention clear.
- Be yourself, have self confidence, Don’t overthink. Be sure to have positivity and show her that you have changed in a natural way.
7. Express sincere remorse for any mistakes or hurt in the past
No matter the reason that the both of you have broken up, you always have to take the responsibility of your part – even if it’s not a huge mistake. Even if that means that it’s just 10%. That’s the right attitude to have when you want to fix a broken relationship.
Still, you take the responsibility for that 10%.
Show her that you have put in effort to work on these things. Show her that you have made steps to meet her there in the middle.
Show her that you care and that you have listened to what made her go in the first place. Don’t be defensive or place all the blame on her.
Remember, you’re meant to be on the same team. Working against the same problem. Not against each other.
8. Avoid drunk texting and criticizing her for her mistakes
This can be one of the most damaging things that you can do for reconciling the relationship: taking your phone and drunk texting and criticizing her.
If you want to blow all your cards, definitely do this. When you’re drunk, the line between what you should and shouldn’t say is very blurry.
This happened to me in my past.
I messed up the relationship with my ex-girlfriend when I was out drinking with my friend and I got too drunk. I started to call her and dropped all my emotions and critics on her for leaving me.
She completely distanced herself from me for YEARS! Who can blame her?
Because who trusts a person that is all over the place with their emotions and criticizing without taking responsibility?
9. Bring Up positive memories and shared experiences
When the emotional connection is there, you can slowly start to take it up to another level to reconnect with your EX.
You can for example:
- Plan casual outings or activities that the both of you enjoy.
- Engage in deep and meaningful conversations together with the two of you and deeper connect with each other
- Show empathy, active listening and understanding.
- Share your own emotions and vulnerabilities to create a safe space for her to open up.
All of the above will definitely help you to deepen the connection with your ex-girlfriend if she is meant to be with you.
10. Get Her to Meet You In Person
Only texting brings you so far. When you have been speaking on the phone for some time, it’s time to also get her to meet you in person.
Every woman can text and feel loved from the safety of her phone, but that doesn’t truly mean anything when this person isn’t putting in an effort to come to meet and see you.
Use the above tips to plan something together with her when you feel it’s time and see her in real life to truly be able to reconcile if that’s what is meant for the both of you.
For example, you two could meet up at her favorite coffee shop.
11. Avoid Getting Friend-Zoned by Her
When two people have been together, but broken up, chances are that they can still be very comfortable with each other.
Especially when they get back into contact together and everything between them is healed. Things are talked through and there is ease now.
There was a moment in time that you both trusted each other to be in a committed relationship.
That’s why it’s really important to make sure that when you’re opening the contact again, your intention is clear that you want to be with her again.
If the intention is not clear and she doesn’t know that you’re still into her, she might faster friendzone you.
Once you get into her friendzone it’s hard to get out of that and you will feel very unfulfilled.
Part C: Getting Back Together With Your Ex Girlfriend
12. Ask Her to Give You an Another Chance
As mentioned before, you shouldn’t rush. There is a time for everything.
First really make sure that you have been investing time to build the emotional connection and that you invested your time plus energy in her.
You possibly have asked her to do something with you, which was successful and it feels as if all is flowing happily.
After you have spent some time in the bonding, after you have invested your time and energy for quite a while, you’re ready to bring up the conversation if she is willing to give the both of you another chance.
From her answer and readiness you’re able to see if there is still a chance for the both of you to do this thing called life together.
13. Respect her boundaries and consent at all times
We can’t force someone to love us. We can’t force someone to be with us.
Even when we have invested our time and energy into someone, still, there is a chance that they decide to not be with us. However, that’s up to them.
Even when to you it can feel like this woman is the end of the world, the chances are that for her it feels different.
You can still do all the things right, but for the “wrong” person, you’ll never be right.
If you want to reconcile with your ex you have to be ready to take this risk and respect her boundaries and consent for the pace or relationship in general at all times.
14. Show appreciation and affection
Show your ex-girlfriend that you appreciate her. Notice the small things. The small changes in her appearance. Compliment her on the random things that seem so “normal” to her.
Make her feel seen. Make her feel loved. Really, really notice her. All of her. When you truly stop and see another person really deeply, it’s impossible for her to not feel your love.
If she is meant for you, this will only make her fall in love deeper with you again and chances of your ex becoming interested again will skyrocket.
Missing someone you have loved for a period of time is never easy. No one said this was easy.
It’s never wrong to love someone really deeply and to give another chance at love if you truly feel that this is your destiny.
It’s better to jump for something and give it your all, than keep yourself always wondering “what if”.
There was a study to elderly people, where the biggest regrets from people on their deathbed, hasn’t been the things they did do, but mostly, the things they didn’t do.
Yes, you might be rejected. Yes, you might be abandoned. Yes, you might end up alone instead of together. But what do you truly have to lose? You already “lost” her.
If you truly think that there is a chance, give it a shot and consider the writings shared above.
It’s better to face the truth and see how the stars align for the both of you (or not) than to wait forever in their waiting room, hoping, wishing and thinking for the rest of your life: “What if?”
And, I would recommend reading you my another article 9 different stages of getting back together with ex to clear more doubts that you might have in your mind.
