Should I Reach out To My Ex or Not?

Are you in doubt if you should reach out to your ex?

Do you get mixed signals or (no signals at all) but the urge of reaching out to your ex is leaving you?

You keep going up and forth between “Should I reach out to my ex?” or “Should I stay quiet?”

“Will it be damaging for me or would it be helpful to reach out?” Might be the most important question that you ask yourself.

When you have been separated from your ex that you loved dearly, a breakup that might have been painful, a loss that can go really deep, is never an easy journey.

Therefore contacting ex is not an easy step to undertake, let alone feel. There can be a lot of painful emotions involved between the two of you that can make it complex.

In this article I would love to provide guidance and insights for you to get more clarity if reaching out to your ex is really a good idea or something that you should re-consider before moving towards it.

Should I reach out to my ex or stay away?

Answering the question if it is truly healthy to reconnect after a break up has some depth to it. What is most important to take into consideration is “how” you both broke up in the first place.

There is a difference between if the both of you broke up because your ex cheated on you or fallen in love with someone else other than your ex not feeling ready for a new relationship.

If they left you because they weren’t in the right place of mind, they had a lot of healing or baggage on their shoulders or there was something going on in their lives, it’s not a bad idea to contact your ex.

However, If your ex has left you for someone else or they are already in a rebound relationship to just to hurt you then it’s a different ballgame to consider. I would recommend to not contact your ex because you would only be wasting your time.

When should I reach out to my ex?

I remember separating from an ex of mine, we were together for some years and after she asked me to marry her, we broke up.

It was a very painful and hard break up. Somehow I wasn’t able to really let her go and put myself unconsciously in the waiting room of her life. 

I remember after some time I decided to reach out to her again. I have to say that even though she was texting me back, I felt a deep pain inside my body.

I could sense she had moved on and that she didn’t want to open the door again. I remember my heart dropping.

Even though it was painful, this was the closure that I needed to move on. Before that, I was still waiting for her and holding on to hope which wasn’t real.

I’m not saying it’s gonna be same for everyone. I also have had an ex who was more than happy to talk with me again and reconsider our relationship. 

She is still in my life until now and we have a thriving bonding together. What I do want to say to you is that you have to take into account that there is potential that you might get rejected.

If it’s been over 6 months and your ex didn’t initiate contact then it’s highly likely they have moved on or at least they have made up their mind to not get back together. However, If they hadn’t left you for someone else, reaching out to them still isn’t a lost case.

If you feel emotionally stable, in your power, you’re okay with the possibility of rejection and you’re 100% sure and positive you want to do this, go for it. Express your romantic feelings to your former partner.

Do’s of Contacting an EX:

1. Assess Your Motivations and Intentions

It’s really important to think of what your true motivations and intentions are by seeking to reconnect and reach out to your ex.

Are you looking for closure, getting back together or do you simply want to reconnect as friends? Find clarity on your intention before you proceed.

Keep in the back of your mind that the outcome that you have in mind, might not be the outcome that they desire. This can end up in rejection or even reopening the old wounds between the two of you.

Do you really, genuinely believe that reaching out to your ex is in best interest of both of you? Otherwise, things might go completely wrong and you might end up being deeply hurt yet again.

2. Ask Yourself These Questions

  • Was the dynamic between the two of you healthy?
  • Did you communicate well?
  • Did the both of you take responsibility?
  • Or were you always fighting?
  • Were there disagreements all the time?
  • Did you have different values and what was important to you in life which causes the relationship to crash multiple times?

Take these relationship questions very seriously before you contact your ex.

Contemplating if the dynamic between the two of you was truly healthy can make a major difference in you wanting to go back to your ex or not.

Sometimes we can think that we miss someone but in reality, it’s familiar to our nervous system. 

For example, if you had a lot of turbulence (fights) in your relationship this can unconsciously remind you of your childhood. 

You think you miss this person but in reality they were only a great reminder for your nervous system and what you’re used to. This is called trauma bonding which can keep people in places they don’t want to be in until they heal it.

So, I would recommend reading this article: what to do when you miss your ex so you don’t fall prey to your mind games.

3. Examine Your Emotional Well-being

It can happen that you want to go back real fast to your ex before you have given yourself and your body the space to heal and move forward after the break up.

If you are high in emotions and in the middle of the break up it’s more normal to feel like you want to go back to your ex because it gives you that sense of safety.

Wanting to reach out too soon can potentially trigger negative emotions and hinder your progress of healing from the unhealthy relationship. 

That’s why it’s important to question yourself “Am I emotionally stable and prepared enough for the possible consequences of reconnecting?”

I always motivate my clients to first come into their power themselves so that they for sure don’t make a decision from a place of “needing” something but from a place of empowerment.

4. Initiating Communication Only If They Are Open

If you made up your mind for contacting your ex then this should be something that is equally agreed upon.

If your ex has still blocked you because they don’t want to be in contact with you, reaching out to you is a clear no go. They obviously showed you that they don’t want you in your life.

This is hard, but this is the reality. Also, if you make the decision that you want to reach out and you did, this should be actively supported by the other party.

You can’t do anything without first properly communicating and asking for consent before you proceed. You don’t want to cross the boundaries of your ex.

5. Seek External Support

When you’re going through intense thought processes and feelings that you need to process, it can be really helpful to have support in your corner from a relationship coach, a trusted friend or a therapist.

They can cut through the clouds, they can come through your core and understand your intentions and motivations. 

What you currently might miss in your life or if you come from a place of emotional instability.

They can be a valuable source of wisdom and support for you on your journey and potentially protect you from making decisions that you later regret.

It’s a healthy thing to do before your start dating again and open yourself up to new relationships or get back together with your ex.

6. Trust Your Intuition

Your intuition is the most important source of power that you deeply know. It’s very subtle and all-knowing but it’s always whispering to you if you’re silent enough to listen to it.

If you tune into your feelings and your gut instincts many of the answers can be found within you. 

You should always pay attention to any red flags or warning signs. 

For example, if you’re thinking about contacting your ex but you suddenly feel very sick or you get this “weird” feeling that doesn’t feel right, then there is your answer.

Always be discerning in what comes from your mind, from your thinking and what truly comes from your body’s wisdom, from your intuition.

Sometimes we can think it’s our intuition but actually it’s our wounding that tricks us. That’s why your healing should be a priority first.

Put your emotional needs first and make choices that support your growth and happiness.


Every situation is unique. Some have better experiences and endings with their ex than others, so taking this into consideration is very important to make the decision that is aligned with you.

Always ask yourself:

  • Am I doing this place from empowerment? Or from a place of wounding?
  • Is this aligned with my deepest feeling or I’ve become co-dependent on a person?

Always remember the reasons why you broke up in the first place and take into account that rejection is a real thing and it can happen that they don’t feel the same.

Let your happiness depend on your own life, on your own actions, your own values and get strong into your character. 

Always trust that no matter how the situation turns out and what you decide (reaching out to them or not), the universe will always conspire in your favor. 

Whether that is rejection or reconciliation. 

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Joanna Pleun
About Joanna Pleun

Joanna is a globe-trotting writer and liberation coach, helping people transform their lives, especially post-break ups. She excels in identifying the root causes of self-sabotage and fostering personal empowerment. Through her writings, workshops, and group sessions, Joanna guides individuals to reconnect with their bodies and hearts, encouraging them to create magical life experiences. Her ultimate goal is to assist people in fostering a fulfilling relationship with themselves.

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