How to Reconnect with Your Ex? (11 Steps To Avoid The Mess)

The thought of getting back together or reconnecting with an ex crosses everyone’s mind at some point after a breakup. 

Some people reject it immediately either because they were seriously betrayed or because deep down, they know they’re not compatible with their exes.

However, others end up regretting their decision or the bad things they did that led to the end of the relationship. 

After a while, they realize that their desire to reconnect with their exes outweighs the reasons that caused the breakup.

If you’re one of these people, then I urge you to ask yourself the following question:

Is it even a good idea to reconnect with an ex?

Getting back together with an ex can lead to another breakup if you want to reconnect with them for the wrong reasons. 

Just because you’re sad right now and feel lonely, this doesn’t mean that you should go back to them. If you’re desperate and don’t think things through, you might end up even more heartbroken.

So, before you do anything reckless, let’s find out if your reasons are healthy. 

First of all, it’s advisable to think about whether the relationship is fixable. Did you break up because one of you did something unforgivable or because of a less important reason?

If you think that you were too hasty to call things off and that there’s still hope for you and them, you might be right.

Especially if you have changed for the better since the breakup and they did the same, you have more chances to make amends and rebuild trust.

Finally, you can evaluate whether your reasons are healthy based on your desire to work on improving your relationship. 

If you don’t want to go back to a toxic relationship but rather start anew, it means you’re ready to give it one more chance.

But is your ex ready? The whole process of reconnecting with them can be a daunting experience. However, you shouldn’t be discouraged.

It is possible to get back on track with them if you take the right steps.

Fair warning: You’ll need to be patient, let go of negative feelings, and work hard on bettering yourself and the relationship.

Let’s begin!

How to Reconnect with Your Ex?

To mend your relationship with your ex, you have to take things slow and approach them in a certain order, as follows:

Assessing the Situation in a Realistic Way: Our first step towards reconnecting with your ex involves a thorough and realistic assessment of the past relationship and the current situation.

1. Reflect on why you two broke up

As I mentioned before, it’s really important to think about why the relationship ended. This is because some things are fixable and some aren’t.

For example, if your ex is a player, which means they have no serious intentions to build a healthy relationship with anyone, then reconnecting with them is not a good idea. 

Or, if your former ex partner is a narcissist, i.e. self-centered, unable to feel empathy, then that’s something you cannot fix. 

However, small misunderstandings, silly fights, communication problems, jealousy, and so on are things that you can both work on.

If you’re the one who wanted to break up, ask yourself why. 

  • Were you jealous? 
  • Did you want more attention? 
  • Did you overreact to something in particular?

Identify and try to understand what triggers you. 

2. Identify the mistakes you’ve made

Look, maybe your ex hurt you. However, this doesn’t mean you didn’t make any mistakes. Identifying these mistakes is essential. 

Otherwise, you might reconnect with youu ex only to part ways again because of the same patterns.

So, what was it?

Make a list with whatever crosses your mind and think about ways to deal with them. 

Everyone has flaws. But if you’re willing to work on your self-improvement, you can correct them and stop them from ruining your romantic relationships.

For example, if you didn’t respect your ex’s spiritual beliefs, it means you offended them. The same goes if you had arguments about politics.

In cases like that, you have to agree to disagree in a romantic relationship. Unless you do that, you risk ruining it.

3. Maintain distance until you’re emotionally ready

Before you even consider reconnecting with your ex, make sure you’re ready. Your emotional instability could negatively affect your chances of success.

When you get back in touch with your former partner, you have to show them a new and improved you; not the (probably) insecure, controlling, or needy person they know.

Also, analyze your reasons for wanting to reconnect, as well as assess your hopes and expectations for the future.

On top of that, waiting for a maximum of 3 months after the breakup is recommended by most relationship coaches.

Why?

Spending some time apart can put things in perspective for your ex. During this time, they might start to miss you and conclude that his/her life was better with you in it. 

And that’s something that will help you reconnect with them.

Reestablishing The Communication with Your Ex: Once you’ve assessed the situation and feel it’s appropriate to move forward, it’s time to reconnect with your ex.

4. Reconnect with your ex

Before you reconnect you should do your best to find out how they’re doing. If too little time has passed since you split ways, they might not be open to reconnecting with you.

How can you tell? By observing their behavior and analyzing their actions. But, if you can’t do that in person, then scrolling through their social media should do the trick. 

You could ask mutual friends about them; what they’re doing, if they’re okay, and whether they ever mention you in conversation. 

Here’s the order of mediums for reconnecting with your ex:

  • Social media (Indirectly).
  • Texting.
  • Phone Calls.
  • Facetime.
  • Metting in person.

5. Break The Ice With Your EX

The next thing that will help is to surprise your former partner. No, don’t think about grand gestures! I am referring to something else.

Your ex expects you to want to discuss past relationship problems and tell them how much you miss them. 

Even if that’s true, you shouldn’t admit it. Instead, you should play it cool. Talking to them as if you were talking to your friends will make them react in a less defensive way. 

In fact, this is a highly effective technique to make an ex-boyfriend/girlfriend feel compelled to stop ignoring you. 

You could say something like this to break the ice:

“I am at peace with the breakup and I totally understand why it had to happen. But, I feel it’s such a shame that we have to sever all contact. You’re an important person to me and I would like to stay in touch. ”

6. Apologize to them for any wrongdoings

Let’s say you succeeded and you and them are on talking terms again. Now what?

After doing enough small talk, telling stories, sharing opinions, and being just friends for a while, at some point, you’ll have to apologize for your mistakes.

You can ease them into it by sharing your feelings for them. 

This works for everyone. It doesn’t matter if you dumped them or the other way around. You both made mistakes; that’s for sure. 

So, apologizing for your wrongdoings will show them that you acknowledge them and that you’re mature enough to admit them. 

Make sure you’re sincere. Let them know you’re the same person – you’ve improved. Otherwise, the foundation of your relationship will be based on lies and will not last. 

Rebuilding The Trust and Connecting with Them: With communication reestablished, it’s important to now focus on rebuilding trust and fostering connection, which is a crucial aspect of a healthy relationship.

7. Engage in activities that create positive experiences

Now that you said you’re sorry, you’re one step closer to achieving your ultimate goal. Patience is, however, once again required of you.

Simply apologizing for what you did might not have an immediate effect on your former partner. They could accept your apologies, but not forgive you.

If that happens, there is a solution: Show them the new you and create new memories with them by engaging in activities that create positive experiences.

Remember that at this point, you should still act like a friend to them. What I mean is, don’t ask them on dates or a romantic picnic in the park. 

Do something fun instead. In this regard, physical activities that produce adrenaline are recommended. The same goes for scary things, such as watching a horror movie.

Adrenaline has a big role in attraction, as explained in this research, so why not use it to reconnect with your ex?

8. Encourage your ex to express their feelings and concerns

If you can’t wait to talk about feelings with your ex, you can finally approach the topic during this phase.

Don’t rush telling them about yours, though. First, encourage them to talk about their feelings and concerns. 

While doing so, try to be as open as possible. Be receptive to what they’re telling you and discuss any issues that might arise.

For example, if you cross any of their boundaries, they might be honest with you about that. In case that happens, try to admit your fault and reach a compromise.

Or, your ex could tell you they’re afraid you’ll hurt them again by making empty promises. What would you say? 

Reassure them that your intentions are honorable and ask them for time to prove it to them.

9. Make informed decisions based on facts

A very common mistake people do when they’re in a committed relationship is to assume things rather than talk about them and find out the truth.

Make sure that doesn’t happen in your situation. If you have any queries or some aspects are unclear to you, don’t hesitate to bring them up. 

Remember, if you communicate efficiently, your ex can understand you better and you will get a better idea of what’s on their mind.

This will help you determine whether your ex wants to get back together and on what terms. If they tell you that they’re not ready yet, then you should wait.

However, if they tell you that’s not going to happen, then you might have to face the facts and make a decision to let them go.

Getting back with an Ex: If you’ve successfully reestablished communication and trust, you might consider deepening the relationship.

10. Try couples therapy to navigate challenges effectively

Is your ex an open-minded person? If they are and they express their desire to give it one more shot with you, then you could suggest couples therapy.

A professional can help you navigate relationship challenges with ease. They can identify problems that you’re not aware of and help you fix them.

What’s more, they can shed light on what’s really causing the problems between you and them, and provide you with practical steps to follow.

11. Get back together for a trial period

Now, to avoid the risk of coming on too strong and scaring your ex away, don’t ask them to get back together. 

Instead, ask them for a trial period, a period during which you can test the ground and see how things go between the two of you.

You have both changed for the better, so things should go smoothly this time. How can you tell?

  • You are both taking the changes you agreed on seriously
  • You easily find solutions to problems and don’t argue
  • You both enjoy the emotional and physical intimacy
  • You stopped bringing up the past and focus on the present

Can’t relate? Sadly, not every attempt to reconnect with a former partner will be successful. Some people can’t change or they are not motivated enough to do it.

Takeaway

As you can see, reconnecting with your ex is possible. But, just because you have another shot at making things work, this doesn’t mean things will be the same (the good things). Before getting back together with an ex, you need to reconsider certain things.

You and your ex have changed, so the way you relate to each other will also change. Do your best to be prepared for that and stop living in the past.

During the process, don’t forget to keep working on your personal growth, improve your communication style, and set realistic expectations for your relationship. 

If things don’t go your way, it’s important to know when to stop. Your well-being is much more important than the success of your relationship with them.

Daniela Duca Damian
About Daniela Duca Damian

A journalist by profession, Daniela has been sharing her knowledge and personal experience in the psychology of love and relationships for the past 5 years. Her work is based on facts, practical advice and is meant to help everyone achieve their romantic goals. When she isn’t writing, she challenges her friends with meaningful questions about life.

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