10 Stages of Getting Back Together with An Ex

It’s happened. One morning, you woke up and felt weird. You didn’t know what it was until you did. You miss your ex , and you want to get back together. 

Now, what?

Wanting to get back together with an ex is not such a strange phenomenon that it can’t be understood. In fact, millions of people experience this desire, and many of them do end up back together. 

You’re bound to wonder what your ex is up to, whether they’ve started seeing someone else, if they ever think of you, and if they’re as fun and attractive as you remember them. 

If you’re thinking about getting back together with your ex, there are a few things you need to consider.

There are various stages of getting back together with EX and all of them require your equal attention. But don’t worry; each of these things is covered below.

How Long Should I Take to Reconnect With My EX?

How long you should take before you reach out to your ex girlfriend or boyfriend and try to reconnect can be rather controversial. We’ve all seen people break up one day and get back together the next and had our personal opinions on the matter. 

And that’s what it really is, a personal matter! In the game of love, there is simply no one-size-fits all answer. 

It would be great if someone could tell you the exact number of days you should take to reconnect with your ex for the best results. 

Reality alert – there’s no hard and fast rule.

A lot comes into play when getting back together with an ex. For some, it takes a few days; for others, it takes weeks or years. 

That said, a few stages of getting back together with your ex can help you along the way.

10 Stages of getting back together with an ex

#1. No Contact Stage

After breakup, it’s important to initiate no contact rule because you need to clear your head.

This stage will help both parties involved do self-work and reflect on the relationship. If you don’t follow this stage then even if you get back together, it’s going to be at the cost of week fundamentals.

This phase, usually lasts for at least 30 days and preferably 90 days. Also, this is going to be a very difficult stage but you’ll have to push through it. And, believe me, after a while you start to feel better.

#2. Facing Doubts and Fears

The first stage with contact rule entails wondering, “But what if my ex starts behaving in old ways again?” or, “Am I making a mistake here?” – if you have, you’re going through normal stages of weighing up the pros and cons of returning to an ex. 

If you’re pushing all possible fears, doubts, and what-ifs out of your mind as you approach the concept of getting back together with your ex, you will have a negative result.

Research has proven that even self-doubt can impact a relationship’s potential negatively. You must work through the feelings of fears before contacting your ex. 

Make sure you’ve truly worked through the pain, doubt, fears, and hurts, or you may find yourself dragging your ex through the hurt of the breakup again.

#3. Contemplation

A relationship just doesn’t end for no good reason. There are reasons why it ended, and it’s time to get real about them. Take the time to consider them.

Make a list of the reasons for your breakup. The most common reasons people break up are a lack of compatibility, communication breakdowns, trust issues, and unhealthy behavior from one or both parties. 

Of course, your reasons could be entirely different. Everyone’s relationship and breakup are unique, so this requires some time to think through.

Try to understand the reason for the breakup and see if you can formulate a plan to work around these issues if you get back together. If it doesn’t seem likely that you can work around it, getting back together is probably unwise.

#4. Introspection

Now, it’s time to look at how far you have come and if you’re in the right place for a relationship. 

Many people forget this part of the process because somehow, getting into a relationship with an ex seems to be less of a new relationship than a relationship with a stranger. Reality check! 

It requires introspection on yourself and the old relationship. This can be a bit of a tough one, but roll up your emotional sleeves and get to work! 

Your relationship in the past had its strengths and weaknesses. What were they? Can you remember them?

Consider if you’ve been able to work on your weaknesses and build on your strengths even more. Will the way you have changed help to improve the relationship? 

How do you feel in terms of your sense of self? Do you want to get back together with your ex because you genuinely love and appreciate them, or is it for another reason?

Sometimes, loneliness and the fear of being alone can lead to a couple reuniting when they shouldn’t. 

You should only proceed with getting back together for genuine love and interest for the other person. 

At the very least, introspection will leave you knowing where you stand in terms of your feelings and whether or not you’re ready for something.

#5. Objective Assessment of the relationship

Things change over time. It’s important to remember that because if you get back together with your ex, you can’t keep punishing them for their past “crimes.” 

You’ll both have to let go of the past, so it’s important to make sure that you’re ready to do that. 

You have to allow the new format of your relationship to exist, grow, and develop. This can be difficult if you haven’t let go of the past yet.

Research shows that acceptance of reality has a positive effect on relationships. Since you know why you broke up before, don’t allow that to disturb this incredible moment.

So, do an objective assessment of the the feasibility of the healthy relationship before you re establish contact after no contact stage.

#6. Reaching out to your EX after no contact phase

Okay, so you’re ready to move on from the no contact stage – you’re ready to take the next step. You’ve done the work; now is the time to reach out and see if they feel the same.

Do you just storm into your ex’s life as if you never went your separate ways? No! You don’t. 

The next “testing ex” phase is all about caution and sensitivity.

Don’t come on too strong in contact stage. Avoid the urge to send overly emotional, clingy, or begging messages. That message you’ve typed up saying, “I miss you much, please take me back, I can’t stand another moment with you…!” Delete it! 

Be casual. Be natural. Start with a simple, casual, friendly “Hello.”

See where the conversation goes. If it’s going well, invite your ex girlfriend or boyfreind to a casual meet-up. It could be drinks, coffee, dinner, or an activity. Don’t put too much pressure on the situation and make sure to call it a catch-up. 

At this contact stage, you’ll be unsure of where your ex is emotionally and what they want for their future, so it’s important not to overwhelm them or come on too strong. 

After all, you’ve been working through the phases and figuring out how you feel and what you want – your ex hasn’t had the same courtesy.

#7. First post breakup date

Use the date – and we use that word lightly – to assess where your ex is at and if there’s still a connection from your side.

How does it feel when you see your ex? Is it comfortable or stilted?

How you handle yourself is important. Avoid launching into antics about the past, getting upset, or trying to resolve all the breakup issues on this date. 

Keep in mind that this date is about righting the wrongs of the past. This date is about seeing if there’s a connection. The rest can come later.

This is going to be you first face to face conversation together with an ex during contact stage so be mindful of what you do and say. Look for their body language on the first post breakup date.

It becomes easy to get back together with an ex if they are giving open body language signals.

#8. Actively listening to each other’s needs and desires for the next chapter

Use this contact stage to focus on listening to each other and forming a bond. It’s not easy to return to the past and pick up where you left off. 

Perhaps you weren’t hearing each other in the past, but now you have the perfect opportunity to make the next chapter better than any preceding it. 

Talk about how did past relationship end. You can talk about past mistakes, family, mutual friends, and mental health.

All this will help you assess the condition of relationship and move on from past mistakes.

Regardless of what you or they think, open communication is a part of reconciliation process and moving forward with the status of relationship with absolute clarity.

#9. Reflecting on the new relationship dynamic

Now that you’’re in the contact stage, it’s time to assess how you feel. It’s not all about your ex – you’re an important part of the puzzle too. 

Before you can take any further steps, you need to know how you’re feeling.

How has being in touch again left you feeling? Do you feel positive, or do you have that sinking feeling?

Truly reflect on your feelings. If you’re not saying “Yes, please!” but are rather feeling unsure and worried, that may be all you need to know about a possible future together. It may be a sign that it’s just not right for you, or it’s not right for you right now.

Of course, if it’s going great, you have something to smile about and can consider progressing to the next stage/phase. 

#10. ‘Redefining’ your ‘Renewed’ love

This is the final stage of getting back together with an ex.

If your ex is on board with getting back together, you mustn’t “pick up where you left off.” 

Treat the relationship like a new one with a honeymoon phase. Everything should start from scratch, and you must be careful to do certain things differently this time. 

You can’t just think about this on your own. This will need to be a honest conversation you have with your ex so that you’re both on the same page. 

Discuss the ideal relationship for you and whether or not being together can achieve that. If you agree, you’re on the right path for potentially getting back together.  

Try not to be unrealistic about this relationship. If you’re suddenly expecting your ex to be someone they’re not, it won’t work.

What are the chances that my ex will come back?

None of this matters if your ex has no interest in getting back together with you. 

Before you launch yourself into this exercise, you may want to consider if there’s even a chance your ex will want to rekindle the relationship. 

There are few things that you should consider when determining the chances of your ex coming back. These include:

  • Nature of the breakup

What led to the breakup? Did one of you cheat? How did you handle the breakup? Did you go separate ways amicably or was there a period of public drama and disrespecting each other. If the breakup was “nasty” there’s a chance your ex may not want to consider a relationship again. 

  • Level of communication

How well do you and your ex communicate? Do you “get along” or do you find that you frequently argue and bicker? 

Volatile communication can be off putting and if that was the nature of your past relationship, there’s a chance your ex may not want to come back.

  • Desire for reconciliation

Has your ex given you any indication of wanting to get back together? Did they ever say they wanted to see you again, regret the break up or miss you? 

If your ex has indicated any of these things, there’s a chance they will want to come back

  • Timing and circumstances

How good is your timing? Is your ex currently dating someone else? Perhaps your ex is going through a hard time with family? 

Consider the current timing and the circumstances for your ex and whether it’s genuinely a good time for you to be approaching getting back together. 

If you jump into something before the timing is right, you may prematurely end something that may have worked. Take your time; proceed with caution.

When should you *not* get back together with an ex?

Even if you’re considering getting back together with your ex, there are times when it’s simply not a good idea to try. There are several times when getting back together is unwise, including the following:

  • The relationship was abusive: mental, emotional, and physical abuse are good reasons to avoid getting back together. No version of the this relationship could survive the same treatment again. 
  • There are trust issues: maybe you don’t trust your ex, or your ex doesn’t trust you – either way, trust is the foundation of a healthy and rewarding relationship. Without it, no relationship can survive long term. Sometimes trust issues stem from something that happened in the relationship, but they can also be unfounded, which can cause a shaky foundation. 
  • The relationship was more about sex than connection: it’s a very common thing to confuse lust and love. You may miss the physical connection with your ex but assume you miss the emotional connection. Think about the past relationship and what it is that you genuinely miss. 
  • There was a pattern of unhealthy behavior: was your relationship one of those “on again, off again” scenarios? Breaking up and making up repeatedly is a very unhealthy relationship pattern and can signify deeper problems at play. Instability like that can cause relationships to fall apart.


So these are the 10 stage sf getting back together with an EX. And, if you work through the stages mentioned above or phases of getting back together with an ex, you may have a great realization along the way. Perhaps you realize it is your ex you have wanted all along, or quite the opposite.

Either way, working through the stages before you lure your ex back into your life is important. 

Take the time to ensure it will be good for both of you. After all, unhealthy relationships have an expiry date, and no one wants to waste unnecessary time dating the wrong people.

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Jayme Wium
About Jayme Wium

Jayme is a certified relationship & communications Counselor and a professional writer with 13 years of experience. She lives in the United Kingdom with her Daxies, reading and writing as much as her free time will allow.

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