Dating can be exhausting.
You have to put so much energy into being your best self and then the other person might not even lift a finger.
It gets even more exhausting when the person you’ve fallen for has an avoidant personality disorder (AVPD).
Their attention is the hardest to get.
In this article, we’ll see what happens when you stop working on this relationship and stop chasing them.
Will they run back to you?
But Why Do Avoidants Give Off Mixed Signals In Relationships?
The truth is that they don’t have much on their hands. They’re not in control of their own compulsive thoughts and they’re not behaving from a state of love and reason but rather a state of trauma.
An event of their past left them feeling insecure and unsafe about committing to people. They’re so afraid you’ll get close to them to the point you might hurt them if things don’t work out well.
An avoidant person usually showers you with attention if they feel attracted to you, but there are a few tipping points where their safe zone is threatened and they start avoiding you, such as:
- Going out on the first date
- Being officially together
- Considering living together
- Moving to live in the same house
- Talking about marriage
- Proposing and getting engaged
- Getting married together
- Becoming parents
These are the points when they might snap and feel their independence is at risk so they start revolting, backing off, and maybe breaking up.
It’s best when they react early. Otherwise, you’ll end up in a relationship where you try to seek their validation and they’re constantly running away.
What Happens When You Stop Chasing An Avoidant?
Stopping to chase an avoidant means you value your own self-esteem and aren’t satisfied with the breadcrumbs of attention they give you.
And that’s the right thing to do if you want a healthy relationship. But it doesn’t mean the chances to continue a healthy romantic relationship with an avoidant person are inexistent.
If they really feel for you, they’re going to chase you back when you go silent. Actually, let’s explore what else happens when you decide to stop chasing them.
1. It Gives Them The Space They Crave
That bloody sense of independence is something we’d rarely want to trade for anything. An avoidant personality considers it one of the most valuable assets.
So the moment you stop chasing them by being the first to call, text, or check on them, they’ll feel somehow relieved.
Weird as it sounds, these types of people don’t enjoy constant interactions, especially when the other person becomes pushy and clingy.
So they’ll feel free for a while.
They’ll feel as if they’ve been released from prison, but before they realize this prison was only in their minds, they’ll fool around for some time.
2. They Might Start Taking Advantage Of Their Newfound Freedom
Imagine what we’d do if there were no laws and boundaries. We’d chop and destroy what we don’t like and turn the world into a mess.
Moral and lawful boundaries keep us on the same path, even though it appears boring at times. Well, when you stop chasing an avoidant they’ll enjoy it for a while.
A relationship is full of commitments to stay loyal, provide and think selflessly. When you stop chasing them, such fears don’t bind them anymore, so they’ll be careless.
Maybe they start clubbing more, dating new people, or even trying new hobbies to find acceptance, validation, and short-term joy.
Until it hits them…
3. Once They Feel Comfortable Again, Their Feelings For You Start To Return
Now that they’ve explored all they wanted, chances are they’ve become even more disconnected from the new people they meet.
It feels good when you’re out of one trap so why would you want to walk yourself into another?
Until they realize that it wasn’t a trap at all. Maybe there was something more to it that they pushed away sooner than they should have.
At this point, freedom has lost its shimmering sensation, and they’ve started reevaluating what makes them feel excited.
With less pressure on their emotions, they’ll start analyzing what made them feel safe, and how comforting and valuable was to have you near.
4. They Start To Miss You
The ‘summer’ has left their mood, and they’re slowly nearing ‘autumn’. Freedom doesn’t bring as much excitement as in the beginning.
Now, a real genuine connection feels more valuable than every new person they could flirt with. And for a while, they’d want to search for it elsewhere.
They’ll start searching for the same level of intimacy, admiration, commitment, and maybe a bit of clinginess, in the things they do.
At some point, they’ll remember the time spent together and how in fact, they’re missing those feelings because you were the one who made them feel that way.
When you stop chasing an avoidant, they start to miss you a lot.
5. They Will Reach Out To You And Test The Waters
Now that the realization hit, it’s time to do something, right?
Well, that’s clearly the next step, but they still might be a bit held back from their insecurities.
However, amidst the ebbs and flows of their confidence (and hormones), they’ll muster the will and courage to reach out to you.
It might not be something extravagant.
Maybe you’ve shared a picture on your Instagram, and they’ll react back with a comment just to check on your mood.
A lot can be understood by just a simple interaction like that. And that would be enough for them to decide if they take another step forward or not.
6. They’re Still Unlikely To Chase You
For some people, strong emotions don’t lead to chasing.
Avoidant personalities are such that won’t be led by the urge to start spending more time with you.
This happens because their insecurities about getting hurt or dumped are as strong as their desire to connect with you on a deeper level.
Unlike a normal person who logically would chase you, they’re likely to choose their comfort zone over anything. So don’t expect them to change.
Your phone won’t buzz with calls and messages from them as you’d wish.
It will be a rather quiet time where they’ll try to understand your perspective and maybe attempt more seriously to win you over.
So don’t expect them to come back to you beginning if you’re thinking to stop chasing an avoidant to achieve this goal.
Mostly certainly, that’s not how it’s gonna play out.
7. If You Reject Them, They Will Most Likely Move On
Yes, they were waiting for you to say “Yes” but this doesn’t mean they’ll run after you begging for a chance. An avoidant would avoid such behavior.
Not to mention what happens when you ignore them in the hopes that they will chase you and become more clingy.
That will never happen.
If you think that giving them the silent treatment, not answering calls, and delaying your response will make this avoidant person chase you more, you’re dead wrong.
They’ll turn around and walk away. They somehow did it once, and this time they won’t have any regrets because you rejected them.
So, make up your mind and be honest with them.
8. It Alleviates The Burden Of Having To Put All The Efforts
No matter how bad you have fallen for them, the truth is that with avoidants it’s hard to build a deep emotional connection.
On the bright side, this is good because it’s easy to heal when they decide to leave. And when you reflect upon all that happened, you see the big picture.
It wasn’t worth it chasing an avoidant and being in a relationship with them for as long as you’re the only one putting in the work.
One-sided romantic relationships aren’t healthy. You probably learned it the hard way. Now, it’s time to reflect on what’s healthy for you.
9. You Get The Time & Space To Reevaluate Your Wants & Needs In A Relationship
After the curtain has fallen and the drama has ended, you should sit down and ponder your feeling and this experience.
Chasing an avoidant might have left you thinking that it’s normal to be the one who contributes the most to a relationship, but it’s not.
You have to heal the behavioral pattern they made you develop so that now you can start envisioning what your ideal relationship should be.
Ask yourself these questions:
- Was I seeking validation from that person or I genuinely desired them?
- What lessons have I learned about my attachment style and patterns through this experience?
- Am I ready to put my time and energy into a relationship that aligns with my authentic self and values?
These questions will help you heal and discover yourself and your needs on a deeper level so that you avoid neglecting yourself the next time.
10. You Finally Get To Treat Yourself With Self-Care
After you stop chasing an avoidant: Whether you care about them anymore or not, the best decision you can take now is to focus on yourself fully.
Start doing the activities you love, taking up new hobbies, and meeting new people. It’s time to claim control of your feelings and independence.
If an avoidant is deeply in love with you, they’ll regret the moment they see you enjoy your independence. Because being independent is attractive.
Either way, now it’s time to put all the focus on yourself. The right relationship finds you when you’ve become the best version of yourself.
Do Avoidants Care If You Leave?
No one can give a definite answer to this question, but time will reveal it.
At some point, when they struggle to find someone like you, they might evaluate the entire situation and understand the depth of your feelings.
But their feelings are turmoil most of the time, and it’s difficult for them to untangle them.
Unless they start working on themselves, it will continue to be this way.
Avoidants keep running from their feelings and commitments because of something that happened in their past. And you can’t fix this.
Without reflecting on the past and working to understand what triggers their reactions, they’ll have a hard time knowing if they cared for you or not.
But if there’s a major realization on their side, which is highly unlikely, they might still come back as a changed person.
When Should You Let An Avoidant Go?
It’s best for both of you to part ways when they avoid working on this relationship altogether. When things get stiff and you’re the only one keeping the weight of this relationship, step away.
Let them enjoy their freedom and understand themselves in a better way. There’s nothing else you can do except focus on yourself.
When you stop chasing avoidant partner, they will find a way to understand their feelings, and if they don’t, that’s not a relationship you’d want to be in. Otherwise, it’s going to be painful.
Focus on what you can control and leave the rest.
Continue with our series of Relationships For Attachment Styles: