Avoidant people are difficult to deal with.
They hardly let themselves become vulnerable with anyone and even keep their (few) friends at arm’s length.
However, if you’re patient enough and have the right motivation, you can build intimacy with them.
And, yes, there are ways to get an avoidant to chase you.
But before we get into that, it’s important to learn how to tell for sure if someone is indeed characterized by this attachment style.
Luckily, there are numerous signs to look for that will help you reach a conclusion. Other helpful information on what causes the avoidant attachment style and its types is also available below.
As soon as you understand what this is really about, you’ll be able to successfully take the needed steps and make them chase you. Let’s get started!
How can you tell if someone is an avoidant?
Before you start doing things to get an avoidant’s attention, make sure you’re right about them. Just because someone you’re interested in acts cold with you, it doesn’t mean they’re an avoidant.
Here are a few tell-tale signs:
- Their behavior is characterized by being hot and cold. They push you away, just to pull you back in shortly after.
- They are highly independent people who don’t ask for the help of others even if they need it.
- Avoidant people have no problem spending time alone. They actually need it because that’s how they are built.
- They are not emotionally available and sometimes show no emotion, mainly because they don’t allow themselves to feel it.
- He or she doesn’t encourage others to rely on them. They don’t rely on others either.
- He or she doesn’t show any vulnerability. They have a really hard time opening up.
- They focus on sexual intimacy rather than on emotional closeness and keep their relationships shallow in general.
- Avoidants usually appear confident and calm, even when they’re not.
What causes the avoidant attachment style?
Now that you how to make sure someone has this attachment style, it’s time to find out what causes it.
Surprisingly enough, it’s not something they’re born with. It’s not something determined by a recent event in their lives, such as a heartbreak that caused fear or abandonment either.
Their attachment style was formed during their childhood when one or more of the following things happened:
- Their parents ignored them when they were crying or in need of something.
- Their parents always discouraged crying and showing similar emotions.
- Their parents took their problems as jokes and laughed at them.
- They were not held by their parents, or physical contact was avoided altogether.
- Whenever they had a problem, their parents acted annoyed by it.
- Their parents neglected their medical and nutritional needs.
If you think about it, it all makes sense now!
If you teach a child that they shouldn’t freely express their emotions, rely on others, or trust others to help, then it’s normal for them to turn into avoidant adults.
They are people who prefer to avoid any kind of conflict, tension, discomfort, or anything that could have negative consequences for them.
What type of avoidant are you dealing with?
Basically, there are 2 main types of avoidant attachment styles, namely the fearful-avoidant and the dismissive-avoidant.
Let’s take them one by one and see what they’re all about!
In the case of the fearful-avoidant attachment style, the person in question may do the following:
- They are suspicious and they don’t trust the other person without having a good reason.
- They don’t think they have what it takes to sustain a romantic relationship with someone.
- They may get overly sensitive when asked for any kind of emotional contact.
- They are scared of being abandoned and rejected (like their parents treated them).
- They are not emotionally stable, often going from hot to cold without an explanation.
- They desire a deep connection but tend to focus on a person’s weak points.
As for the dismissive-avoidants, they are characterized by the following:
- They are highly independent and mostly interact with acquaintances, not close friends or family.
- They jump head-first into relationships but pull back after a period of around 3 months when they usually become overwhelmed.
- The intensity of their feelings usually doesn’t match their partners’ as they were taught to hide them and ultimately dismiss them.
- They find relief when they’re alone again only to regret it shortly after.
- They have a need to be in control due to their anxiety issues and fears of abandonment.
12 Ways to Make an Avoidant to Chase You
I’m not going to lie to you: getting an avoidant to approach you in the romantic and heartwarming way that you desire is not going to be easy.
However, you definitely don’t have to lose hope because getting them to chase you is doable. All you have to do is to follow the next steps:
1. Don’t make assumptions about them
Whatever you do, don’t make assumptions about them! For example, if they don’t reply to your messages, don’t think about the worst-case scenario right away.
You see, avoidants don’t like clingy and needy people. Do you know why? Because they were taught not to be clingy and needy themselves.
On top of that, it’s a known fact that they are used to spending most of their time alone and they also need it because that’s how they work.
The same goes for assuming they’re not interested in you just because they don’t react in the same way that other people do.
If you really want to be romantically approached by such a person, forget everything you think you know about people in general and try to learn more about them in particular.
Based on the info above, their reactions are not typical so making assumptions about them would only make you bitter in the long run.
2. Do your best not to chase him or her
Here’s a rational take on your situation: if you’re the chaser, you can’t be chased.
This dynamic is usually pretty straightforward if you’re a woman. You can try to get his attention and spark his romantic interest in you and then let him approach you.
However, if you’re a man, you might have to play a different game compared to the one you’re used to. Your old tricks might not work on an avoidant woman.
In this regard, while refraining from pursuing her romantically, there’s one thing you could do to keep her interest: be consistent.
This is a sure way to show her that you are reliable. It’s a way to let her see that she can count on your presence in her life – without being clingy or needy.
3. Learn how to be more self-reliant and self-secure
Due to the lack of support from their parents, avoidants were forced to become self-reliant from an early age. They learned how to handle things and thus became self-secure.
Unless they see these qualities in a romantic interest, it’s unlikely for such a person to pursue a romantic relationship with them.
They simply can’t deal with people who always rely on others to help them and seek reassurance.
The explanation? They don’t understand them. That’s why it’s important for you to understand them first, especially if you want them to pursue you.
How to become more self-reliant and self-secure? Here’s how:
- Don’t rely on others for your happiness.
- Don’t ask for help if you can do it alone.
- Make your own decisions without asking others.
- Work on your self-confidence.
4. Give them their much-needed space
If you still want an avoidant to approach you romantically, you have to arm yourself with a lot of patience.
I am serious about this! These people need space and actually like to spend time alone. They usually have many activities lined up and keep themselves busy.
This is one of the reasons they can stay emotionally detached even when it comes to a person they like. They have their own things going on.
To make them feel comfortable with you and keep their interest, you have to show them that you’re not like the others who will not leave them alone and keep calling, texting, and demanding to see each other.
Do this and you’ll stand out to him or her. On top of that, it wouldn’t hurt to keep yourself busy as well. It would be useful on so many levels, such as improving yourself and keeping your mind off them.
5. Allow them to take the lead
This step is all about patience, too. Whatever you do, don’t approach them first. Let them take the lead and see what they do.
In this way, you can get a better grasp of their needs, as well as preferences. So, let them contact you first, ask you out first, and so on.
As I mentioned before, avoidants need to feel in control. If you allow them that, you are one step closer to achieving your goal.
At the same time, make sure you’re consistent with your answers and the way you treat them. If you’re hot one day and cold the other, you will discourage them.
To want to chase you, they need to see that your behavior with them is always warm, reassuring, and welcoming.
6. Let them know what you like about them
To encourage an avoidant man or woman to pursue you romantically, tell them what you like about them.
Just to be sure we’re on the same page, I’m not encouraging you to confess your feelings for them. That will be okay to do at some point, but not in this phase.
I am encouraging you to give them compliments. Be as discreet and as casual as you can be and ease them into it.
While telling an avoidant man he’s hot and you want him badly will work to get him into bed, it will not serve your main purpose.
Both avoidant men and women find it easier to maintain friends-with-benefits types of relationships than serious romantic ones. Why?
You got it right! The fear of abandonment and being hurt keeps them from trying to connect on an emotional level.
7. Try the Zeigarnik Effect to maintain their interest
During the process of getting an avoidant to pursue you in a romantic way, you can use an amazing method to make him interested in you and maintain his interest.
It’s called the Zeigarnik Effect, and it’s based on the following facts:
- People tend to remember a conversation or activity that got interrupted more than one that didn’t.
- Avoidants often suffer from “the one that got away” syndrome, so “the conversation that got away” or “the activity that got away” sticks to them better than other things.
- The interruption makes them see the conversation you were having or the activity you were doing as no longer getable, which makes them want it.
- You can get the best results if you interrupt an activity or conversation when it’s at its peak.
- It was shown this method works best when the avoidants act hot, not in the cold phase.
So, what do you need to do? When the conversation gets interesting, say you have to hang up the phone for some reason.
If you meet them face to face and the sparks start flying, say you have to leave for an emergency. This will keep them hooked.
8. Interact with them in a mysterious way
Listen, just because your love interest is an avoidant, it doesn’t mean they’re not a curious person. We are all at least a little bit curious, so you can use this to your advantage.
You can make this happen by simply not sharing everything about you upfront. When you get to know someone, it’s recommended to have a dialogue with them, not talk about yourself only.
As your relationship progresses, you can tell them every little detail about anything you want. However, at first, it’s best to be a bit mysterious and make them wonder about you.
If you answer all their questions without them even asking you, then what’s the point? Spark their interest, but don’t feed them all the details just yet.
9. Adapt your commitment pace to theirs
By now, if you followed the steps above, you should have this person’s attention. They may be ready to pursue you, but not if you rush them into it!
Patience is once again required from you. This is because people with this attachment style are often afraid of commitment.
They are scared by the idea that they’re not good enough to sustain a romantic relationship. They also focus on their partner’s flaws and ultimately their fear of abandonment takes over.
But you can stop this from happening if you don’t pressure them into committing to you or try to DTR too soon.
You’re just trying to get them to chase you for now!
10. Make an effort to support them, not fix them
Just like the rest of us, avoidant people need someone who truly understands them by their side. They need someone who trusts them and admires them.
What they don’t need is someone to tell them what to do or point out things about them that need fixing.
Since they have developed this attachment style, it means they started being self-reliant at an early age. So, it goes without saying that their ways worked so far.
Instead of trying to change that, do your best to support them emotionally and in any other way you can.
11. Be a consistent source of encouragement for them
If you’ve been paying attention to what causes an avoidant attachment style, you should know that a lack of attention and encouragement from their parents is one of them.
To build intimacy with such a person and make them approach you in a romantic way, you have to show them what encouragement is all about.
By doing so, you’ll make them feel good and soon they’ll associate these feelings with you and want more and more.
In addition to that, provide them with constant encouragement and ensure them that you have their back.
Keep this in mind: refrain from making fun of an avoidant person!
12. Share less about yourself on social media
The last step you should take to reach your goal is to share less about yourself on social media. Start being more discreet about your personal life and you’ll have more chances to succeed.
This is not only to become a little more mysterious but also because avoidants don’t like people who overshare online and don’t do it themselves.
If you think about it, it wouldn’t hurt to work on your independence and self-reliance instead. You could also try to pick up new hobbies or take an interest in theirs.
As you probably know, having things in common is one of the key factors that make a relationship work, be it with an avoidant person or not.
What are the Main Relationship Issues With an Avoidant?
Let’s say you succeeded and you got an avoidant to pursue you romantically. What can possibly go wrong?
- Avoidants experience emotional highs and lows that can affect their behavior.
- They might feel trapped in your relationship and want to get out because of that.
- They may have a really hard time opening up to you and showing vulnerability.
- They might be interested in the physical part of the relationship more than the emotional part.
- He or she could shut down at your attempts to discuss emotions and intimate thoughts.
As you can see, you might face numerous issues with this person even if you make them chase you. You may understand why they behave in a certain way, but this doesn’t mean you won’t get hurt.
In time, you might even end up resenting some of the characteristics of their attachment style. So, make sure this man or woman is worth it before you invest too much in them!
Building a healthy relationship based on genuine feelings of love and understanding could be the solution for the two of you!