How to Approach a Girl? (And, Win Her Over!)

I wish I could tell you to just be yourself and initiate a conversation with the girl you like. 

But I can’t.

Making a good first impression is too important to risk it. 

You have to consider things such as timing, topics to talk about, your appearance, and so on.

This is not only my personal opinion as a woman, but also the findings of a 2008 study by Robert B. Lount Jr., Chen-Bo Zhong, Niro Sivanathan, and J. Keith Murnighan.

According to it, we all tend to be judgemental and cautious when meeting new people. Especially girls… they are taught to avoid unfamiliar guys.

That’s why you should aim at getting off on the right foot with your romantic interest. How?

Read on to find out!

How to Approach a Girl: 14 Steps

1. Observe Her and The Situation

As Mark Johnson, a social psychologist says, “Approaching a woman requires finesse.”

To succeed, “Observe her and the situation to gauge the right moment and conversation topics.” Fight your primal instinct and do this the smart way.

First, you have to make sure she’s in an approachable mood. If she’s agitated for some reason, stressed, or let’s say she’s arguing with someone, you shouldn’t make a move.

Before you approach her, you have to read the room to make sure the moment is right.

Second, you should spend some time observing her habits, her appearance, and any other stuff about her that you can.

In this way, you’ll find topics to talk about with her. 

For example, you can start a conversation based on her taste in coffee – if you see her holding a cup more often than not or a book she might be reading – if you see her with it/reading.

Having a few topic ideas in mind and aiming for the right timing, makes “the difference between a confident approach and an awkward encounter.”

2. Glance At Her

Something else you can do before you approach a girl is to discreetly signal your interest. What you want is to make her notice you.

If you look at her and then quickly look away as soon as she sees you, you’ll pique her interest. You’ll make her curious and determine her to glance back at you to check if you’re looking.

All of a sudden, you’ll be on her radar. She’ll want to know whether it was an accident when you two first locked eyes or not.

Of course, you want to show her that it wasn’t. However, you can’t do that by staring at her. That will make her uncomfortable and put her off.

That’s why being discreet matters. Yes, it might take you a longer while to approach her. However, you’ll do it the right way.

The exception?

If you are in a cafe or club or someplace random and think you might never see her again. If that’s the case, make eye contact and smile!

3. Look Neat and Confident

A confident guy who doesn’t stutter and smells good from a distance? Yes, please!

In fact, studies have found that personality and grooming are very significant personal traits when deciding about marriage and other serious romantic relationships.

If you always look neat and display self-confidence, you’ll have better chances of attracting beautiful and popular girls who look like they have a ton of options to choose from.

You can make a woman forget all about the other guys if you give her reasons to think you’re worth her time and attention. 


Make sure your body language is open and relaxed. Next, expand your body to make her notice your masculinity.

Don’t cross your arms or legs, but rather give her a good look at your chest and groin and sit/stand straight. Pull your shoulders back and spread your arms if your location allows it.

Also, do your best and dress well. Toss any stained t-shirts/pants into the bin and focus on making better clothing choices for yourself.

4. Approach Her From The Side

At this step, you should be prepared to approach her. But how do you do it?

Do you walk from a distance while making sure she realizes your intention before you talk to her? Or what?

Relationship expert Matthew Hussey has the answer for you:

“Approaching a woman from the side demonstrates mindfulness and awareness of her comfort level, setting a positive tone for the interaction.”

On top of that, I have something to add: DON’T approach her from behind. If you do, you might startle her and/or make her uncomfortable.

What if she’s with a group of girls?

Most people will tell you to wait for a moment when she’s alone to make a move because she might reject you based on her friends’ reaction to you, as well as other reasons.

However, I don’t totally agree with that. If she’s with other people, you can go about it in two ways:

A: Walk confidently towards her group, interrupt the conversation politely, and express your interest in talking to her.

You could say something like…

  • …Hi, I’m so sorry to interrupt. I saw your… (fill in the blanks) from a distance and I immediately knew I wanted to talk to you. I am also a big fan of… (fill in the blanks)
  • …Hi y’all, I apologize for interrupting you. May I talk to you for a second? I noticed your… (fill in the blanks)

B: Start by asking a general question for everyone and then transition into a one-on-one with her. By doing so, you appear more sociable and less intimidating. 

If you’re at a club/social event, you could say something like:

  • Hi, is everyone having a good time? Do you like this place? This is my first time here and I’m looking to meet new people…

What if she’s with a female friend?

Take your chances and talk to both of them! You can approach them confidently and make conversation, expressing more interest in what the girl you like has to say.

During the conversation, don’t forget to make eye contact with her and to be genuine. 

If things go well, her friend might leave the two of you alone to talk or she might not… so do your best to act friendly and include her friend in conversation from time to time.

5. Introduce Yourself Like a Gentleman

How to introduce yourself properly? Make eye contact, smile, and say your name.

Let’s take them one by one:

Making eye contact with the woman you like is especially important because, according to a 1998 study by Joan Kellerman, James Lewis, and James D. Laird, it increases the level of affection between the two of you.

People who participated in the study were asked to look into each other’s eyes for a few minutes. The result? They experienced positive and passionate feelings about each other.

What’s more, mutual eye gazing triggers the production of oxytocin, the so-called “cuddle hormone” that increases closeness and trust between two people. She’ll be more open to conversation because of it.

As for smiling, it has the power to make your love interest feel special right from the start. I know this thanks to a 2003 study

Researchers discovered that seeing a smiling face can activate the region in the brain associated with processing sensory rewards.

Simply put, if you smile at her, she’ll think she’s doing something right.

6. Approach Her with a Reason

What are you going to say after, “Hi, my name is…”?

As I said before, you should think of a few topics before you start talking to her.

Like what?

You could talk about something related to the environment you’re in. Your approach can change depending on where you are, such as at school, work, or during leisure.

Also, you can ask for advice about something or a favor. For example, if you’re new at a workplace and you see a woman you fancy, ask her things like…

  • … Where can I get the best coffee around here?
  • … What’s the best place for lunch around here?

Or, you can go for the longer game and simply gaze at her for a few days before saying “hi” for the first time.

One day, you can say something like…

  • … I see you every day. Do you work here/go to class here?

Another day, you can ask her…

  • … How is school/work? How is your day?

The next day, you can be bolder and ask her if she wants to have lunch with you or coffee.

This approach works if you want to gradually build rapport with her and don’t come off as desperate.

7. Ask Her Questions and Listen

The real challenge in approaching a girl is to keep the conversation going with her.

You can do that by asking her lots of open-ended questions about herself.

Here are a few examples…

  • … What is your idea of having fun?
  • … How does a typical morning look to you?
  • … What is your idea of an ideal date?
  • … What are some of your hobbies?
  • … Is there something you strongly believe in?
  • … What’s your favorite part of your job?
  • … What do you dislike most about this class?

You can ask her any decent question without giving her options to choose from. In this way, she’ll freely respond, without limitations. 

Also, do yourself a favor and listen to her attentively. Listen to her every word with an open mind, without judging, jumping to conclusions, or thinking about what to say next.

8. Crack a Joke or Two

Humor can bring two people together. It’s not a joke.

It’s even proven by studies that women gravitate more towards men who have a good sense of humour and can make them laugh.

Laughing together has countless benefits for any pair, not to mention that it gives positive vibes, lightens the mood, and eases the tension.

If you’re not especially good at it, don’t worry. Just look up a few good jokes online and memorize them.

Whenever you don’t know what to say or want to start a conversation, you can use question-and-answer jokes, such as:

Do you know why the elephants don’t eat pizza? Because no one gives pizza to an elephant. 

Or, if you think you’re really bad at telling jokes, rely on playful banter. Making playful remarks and having witty chats also goes.

9. Let Her Body Language Guide You

Is she interested or talking to you to pass the time? To get an answer, analyze her body language.

Good signs are when she…

  • … makes eye contact with you when you talk
  • … points her feet at you during the conversation
  • … she plays with her hair, licks/bites her lips
  • … she preens herself often as you two talk
  • … she smiles or laughs at what you say
  • … she touches you or pushes you playfully
  • … she fiddles or bites her nails or swings

Bad signs are when she…

  • … crosses her arms and/or legs
  • … doesn’t think your jokes are funny
  • … turns her body away from you
  • … doesn’t maintain eye contact 
  • … doesn’t look nervous at all

In case she’s not interested, do yourself a favor and move on to the next girl.

10. Give Her Hints that Reveal Your Interest

At this point, you could be on the right track, that is if you dodge the friend zone.

Friendships between men and women are common these days. I’ve had plenty of dudes approaching me without having a romantic interest in me. 

They just thought we had things in common or they asked for my help with something.

So, I think that’s good to know and to avoid. 

Don’t let her assume you’re simply friendly. Hint at your romantic interest in her by giving her compliments, such as:

  • I must tell you something. I noticed you from across the room. I like your style and I think you look very attractive.
  • Sorry, I don’t want to be weird. It’s just that I can’t look away from your lips. You have the nicest lips I’ve ever seen.
  • I’m just going to say it: Your beauty is striking. I am very much attracted to you.

Personalize your compliment based on what you like about her.

11. Ask For Her Contact Information

No matter how good you two get along, your conversation will end at some point and you can’t let that happen without asking for her contact information.

Of course, you shouldn’t rush things, especially if you see the girl almost daily. However, if you meet her at a random place, like in a pub or club or at a concert, you should act sooner rather than later.

In this regard, you can ask her directly or more subtly like… 

  • … What social media platform do you prefer/like to use regularly? Maybe we can get in touch there.
  • … Before I go, I was wondering if we could text each other sometime.
  • … I have to go now, but we can continue this conversation if you like. May I have your number?

12. Suggest Meeting Up Again

Look, some girls will easily give you their contact information without having a real intention to ever talk to you again.

Or, they’ll forget about you if all you give them is a few minutes of your undivided attention.

That’s something you also need to avoid. How?

Suggest meeting up again and watching how they react. I have a few ideas for you:

  • If you see her regularly, you can say, “See you at the same time tomorrow?”
  • If you meet her at a club, ask, “Would you like to go to a real party? I know about one that takes place next weekend.”

A positive response from them should be enough to get you going.

13. Show Respect and Step Back if Needed

In case your love interest is not alone when you approach her, or she’s in the middle of something, don’t take up too much of her time.

Show her respect and consideration from the start by allowing her to enjoy spending time with her BFFs, her school/work colleagues, or doing her thing.

Limit your interaction with her so that she doesn’t feel interrupted or bothered by you. 

Especially if she seems uninterested or uncomfortable, there’s no reason to push it. It’s better to gracefully end the conversation with her.

14. Accept That You Might Get Rejected

To accept rejection more easily, I urge you to look at it differently, just as psychologist and dating expert John Michaels puts it:

Rejection is redirection; it pushes you towards the path meant for you.

So, instead of looking at it as a bad thing, embrace that it’s better that way. It’s an experience you can learn from, and also one that will take you on the path you need to be.


To paraphrase Mark Johnson’s words, approaching a woman is all about finesse. Before you proceed, you have to consider numerous aspects.

Things such as observing her, flirting via eye contact, thinking about topics to talk about, introducing yourself, and asking her questions are important!

Just as important as looking presentable and confident when you start a conversation with her and/or her friends.

But… I understand all of these might be a bit too much for you at the moment. Even so, I can promise you something:

You’ll get good at it if you maintain a positive attitude and keep trying.

The truth is not all girls will like you. You’ll get your fair share of rejections (like all of us) and that shouldn’t break you down. 

Learn to respect women’s boundaries and keep your chin up in case of rejection!

Daniela Duca Damian
About Daniela Duca Damian

A journalist by profession, Daniela has been sharing her knowledge and personal experience in the psychology of love and relationships for the past 5 years. Her work is based on facts, practical advice and is meant to help everyone achieve their romantic goals. When she isn’t writing, she challenges her friends with meaningful questions about life.

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