19 Signs She’s Pretending To Love You: (And, What You Can Do!)

If you doubt a girl’s feelings for you, you are right to look for signs she is pretending to love you.

Your uncertainty alone is a sign that something is off about your relationship. 

Finding out that she isn’t as invested in the relationship as you are can be heartbreaking, but it’s not something that you should ignore, hoping it will eventually go away.

It won’t go away.

On the contrary, it could get worse for you, especially if you continue to put your heart into it. That’s why it’s best to find out sooner rather than later if she really loves you. 


Look out for the following 19 red flags. They’ll reveal whether your love is one-sided.

19 Signs That Show She’s Pretending To Love You

1. You’re always putting efforts to get her attention

Listen, a girl may play hard to get at first to get a guy’s attention. However, this seduction game should end at some point. 

If she’s still playing this game, making you chase her as if you just met, something is wrong. 

While it’s true that we should never stop flirting and going on dates with our partners, the same doesn’t apply to using manipulation techniques.

Is she keeping you on your toes on a constant basis? If she does, you’re right to doubt her feelings for you. 

Part of being with someone you love is allowing them to be themselves, not expecting them to always do or say something to get your attention.

If she does the opposite, the rest is just pretend.

2. She is not consistent with her efforts

Let me ask you this: Is she trying to meet you halfway? Or you’re the one doing all the work in the relationship? 

If she’s not consistent with her efforts or if she hardly ever makes any, then you know what this means… she’s not as into you as you are into her…

Can you relate to the following statements?

  • She often acts hot and cold with you.
  • She almost never calls you or texts your first.
  • She doesn’t ask you to go out on dates.
  • She isn’t trying to get closer to you emotionally or physically.
  • She doesn’t keep her promises.
  • She rarely does something to meet your needs.
  • She expects you to pay for things.

If you can relate to at least some of them, then she’s pretending to love you. 

3. She doesn’t show any interest in your life

If you can remember the last time she asked you a personal question and it happened recently, then you can disregard this point. It means she’s interested in your life.

However, if you can’t, then pay attention. You can figure out how much a woman really loves you judging by her interest in your life.

In case her feelings for you run deep, she should ask you a ton of questions that go from, “Have you eaten anything today?” to “How would you like your life to change?”.

Her interest in you and your life would come naturally and she would touch on topics such as family, hobbies, hopes and dreams, and so on

Otherwise, she’d prefer to make small talk with you and probably gossip about her friends, schoolmates, or coworkers.

4. She downplays your emotions

Understanding other people is hard and not everyone is capable of being empathetic. Even so, this is no excuse for the woman in your life to downplay your emotions again and again.

Don’t get me wrong, if it happened once and you’ve talked about it, then it doesn’t count. 

However, if she showed you more than once that she doesn’t really care about your feelings – no matter how big or small – then you should take it as a sign that she is losing interest.

It’s a bad sign and it basically suggests that she’s not serious about you or about loving you.

And the worst part?

You may suffer severe emotional and physical consequences as a result of her reactions, as shown in this study.

Being emotionally invalidated is a big thing and it should not be overlooked. On top of that, a loving partner should make sure they’re doing the opposite.

5. She doesn’t get emotionally intimate with you

What does it really mean to be emotionally intimate with someone?

Simply put, it means to express your true feelings, to be vulnerable, and to put your trust in them. It also means to open up to them and to entrust them with your secrets.

But what if a relationship lacks emotional intimacy?

In that case, feelings of isolation, disconnection, and lack of emotional safety are felt by one or both partners.

Now that you know these details, you can figure out if there’s any emotional intimacy between the two of you. 

As you probably have guessed by now, a lack of emotional intimacy from her side points to unrequited love.

People open up at different paces, but if she’s been acting this way for as long as you can remember, then she might be dishonest about her genuine feelings for you.

6. She doesn’t say “I love you” unless you say it first

Saying “I love you” doesn’t come naturally or easily to many people. 

There are exceptions, of course. We all know somebody who says these three words to anybody like they mean nothing special.

However, when two people are in love, they find it hard NOT to say it, which brings me back to your question – Is she pretending to love me?

Yes, she is pretending if…

  • … she only says “I love you” back to you
  • … she mostly responds with “Me too” when you tell her you love her
  • … she replies with a heart emoji and no words

I know this is difficult for you to hear, but simply saying it back is not a sign she means it. There is a possibility she’s stringing you along.

7. She is avoiding the idea of making their relationship official

Unless she told you from the beginning that she isn’t the type of person who puts labels on relationships, you might be in for a heartbreak. 

When a girl you’ve been seeing for a reasonable amount of time doesn’t want to have the DTR talk with you, that’s a bad sign.

It could mean a lot of different things, such as:

  • She is not sure of her feelings for you
  • She is not ready to have a serious relationship
  • She wants to keep her options open
  • She is keeping you close because you’re useful
  • She is still obsessed with her ex-boyfriend

Either way, things are not looking good for you. If she truly loved you, then she would NOT refuse to have a conversation about it.

Also, she would NOT…

  • …avoid introducing you to her friends and family
  • …give you the impression that she wants to be non-exclusive with you

On the contrary, she would be delighted to make it official.

8. She behaves differently when you two are in public

Look, some women hook up with men not because they love them, but for financial benefits or even status. 

For example, she might pretend to love you because you help her with money. In this case, she might act cold with you whenever you’re in public and be more affectionate in private.

Or, if she pretends to love you because of your social or professional status, then she might be more affectionate with you in public than in private. 

Of course, there are many other possible situations, but they all mean the same thing: she is using you. Otherwise, she wouldn’t change her behavior like that.

So, if you clearly notice a pattern, you have to face the truth: she might not be sincere when she says “I love you.”

9. She doesn’t share things about her life with you

What do you really know about this girl? How did you get to know her?

Nowadays, we can learn a lot about a person just by scrolling through their social media profiles and this can give us the impression that we know those people. 

But in truth, we don’t. We only think we do. 

So, if most of the information you know about her, you found out yourself, take it as a warning sign. She should be the one telling you about herself and her own life.

If she doesn’t, or if she gives you shallow answers when you try to get to know her better, she could have a hidden motive.

Sharing things about each other’s lives is a common thing that couples do. Don’t let her make you think otherwise.

10. She doesn’t acknowledge your efforts

Is she genuinely interested or just pretending?

I hate to disappoint you, but if she’s taking you and the things you do for her for granted, then she’s not really in love. 

A woman in love doesn’t let any kind or nice gesture from her partner go unnoticed. She makes sure to thank her SO and show her gratitude and appreciation for every little thing he does.

If she doesn’t genuinely care about you, she won’t do any of these things. What’s more, you might notice that she feels entitled to ask you for things or attention.

She might even make demands and engage in a sort of power play that gives her the upper hand.

Do you know what I mean?

If you do, then do me a favor, and don’t fall for that. She’s trying to manipulate you.

11. You are not part of her plans for the future

Unless you gave her reasons to think she doesn’t have a future with you, this girl has no excuse for not making you part of her plans for the future.

In fact, it could be another reason to question her love for you. So, try to remember: Does she talk about what she’ll do in the future? 

If she lets you know about all the cool things she’ll do without you and she doesn’t even try to include you in her plans, she might be playing you. 

How can you be sure? Pay attention to how she refers to you two. Does she say “you and me” or “we”?

Her choice of words is also very important. The simple fact that she refers to you as individuals, not a couple indicates her level of association with you.

12. She doesn’t prioritize you

Depending on where she is in life, your romantic partner could have different priorities. 

Maybe she’s working really hard right now to get a promotion or maybe she has a problematic family and fitness goals that keep her busy.

In other words, fully committing to you and actively working on building a healthy relationship with you could be low on her list.

Or, she may be simply pretending to love you without actually doing anything to prove it. How can you be sure?

Here are a few indications:

  • She always has time for her friends, but not for you.
  • She only cancels plans she makes with you.
  • She chooses her comfort over your well-being.

13. She avoids physical intimacy

Not all of us express love in the same way. There are many love languages and physical affection is just one of them (you can take the love language quiz here).

Regardless of her love language, however, she shouldn’t seem uncomfortable when you touch her. She shouldn’t act like a mimosa flower that closes its leaves in response to touch.

So, if you notice that she’s bothered by your attempts to hold her hand, hug her, and show your affection in similar ways, you should ask yourself why.

Especially if your sex life is normal, the fact that she avoids physical intimacy and not sex could also mean something. 

It could mean that she is dishonest with you about her feelings for you. She might be in it for other reasons.

14. She doesn’t respect most of your boundaries

Respect is an important proof of love. A woman who doesn’t respect you or your boundaries is definitely trying to deceive you when she tells you she loves you.

You see, what matters to her most is to have her needs met even if that means she’ll cross one or more of your boundaries.

How do I know?

Such a woman usually does this:

  • She puts pressure on you to do things you don’t like/want
  • She insists on doing things that you don’t like/want
  • She acts dismissive of your feelings
  • She doesn’t care about your opinion
  • She doesn’t respect your privacy
  • She manipulates you to do what she says

Now, even if this woman really loves you in her own way, according to research, your relationship is toxic. 

The importance of establishing and respecting boundaries in a relationship is off the charts. It doesn’t only help with avoiding conflicts but also ensures a healthy relationship dynamic.

15. She doesn’t looks excited when you’re together

Here’s the thing:

Love isn’t intentional. This means that you can’t randomly pick a person and decide to love them without feeling attracted to them first, building an emotional connection, or both.

Certain things happen in your brain and in your body when you develop such feelings for someone. 

To be more precise, hormones such as oxytocin and vasopressin interact with your dopamine system. The result? You feel happy.

According to research, the same should happen to her. However, if she doesn’t look excited when you’re together, that could be another red flag.

It suggests that her brain isn’t flooded with all those chemicals because she isn’t in fact, in love with you.

16. She only reaches out to you when she’s bored or needs something

Be honest: When she reaches out to you, why does she do it?

Right reasons:

  • She wants to check up on you
  • She is genuinely worried about you
  • She wants to ask you out
  • She wants to spend time talking to you

Wrong reasons:

  • She is bored and has nothing to do
  • She needs your help with something
  • She wants to talk about herself
  • She wants to borrow money from you

If her reasons are a combination of rights and wrongs, then she might be serious about you. 

However, if she tends to always reach out if she has nothing better to do or needs something from you, then you should consider letting her go.

17. You caught her lying to you more than once

Are her lies piling up and you don’t know what to think about it anymore? The truth is that you should be concerned.

Don’t try to find excuses for her. There are really no excuses for someone who breaks your trust and doesn’t behave with integrity.

Telling you lies, big or small, is a clear sign that she’s hiding something from you. Maybe she hasn’t been completely honest with you about dating other guys. 

Or, maybe she avoids being transparent with you at all costs because she doesn’t want you to see her for who she really is.

Whatever her reason, lying to you could be a sign she is just pretending to love you.

18. You’re her go-to person when she needs to vent

Consider yourself warned: Venting is not the same as confiding in your partner. 

When she vents, she is actually making you responsible for the way she handles her emotions. She expects you to calm her down, tell her that she’s right, and even find solutions to what she’s going through.

Venting usually comes with a false sense of urgency and this could mean that she expects you to drop everything you’re doing and listen to her.

So, in a way, although I know it’s hard to admit, she is using you to make herself feel better.

19. She behaves as if there’s no chemistry between you two

What are some of the indications that there is chemistry between a man and a woman?

  • There’s a feeling of fascination
  • Intense eye contact is made
  • Both parties smile without reason
  • There is a lot of flirting involved
  • Her body reacts to his body and vice versa

To put it simply, the lack of eye contact, smiling, touching, and flirting from her side could be proof that she’s deceiving you. 

What to do if she’s pretending to love you?

By now you should have a good idea about whether she’s pretending to love you or her feelings for you are genuine. 

If the signs point to the unfortunate truth that she’s deceiving you, then the best thing you can do is to talk to her – have a honest conversation. 

Don’t accuse her of anything, though. Just tell her how you feel and what made you question her love for you. Also, ask her how she feels about you.

Depending on her answer, you might feel encouraged to give her another chance or forced to face a heartbreaking truth. 

In case you decide to continue the romantic relationship, make sure to set strict boundaries with her. Remember, respecting boundaries is key to a healthy loving relationship.

Daniela Duca Damian
About Daniela Duca Damian

A journalist by profession, Daniela has been sharing her knowledge and personal experience in the psychology of love and relationships for the past 5 years. Her work is based on facts, practical advice and is meant to help everyone achieve their romantic goals. When she isn’t writing, she challenges her friends with meaningful questions about life.

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