Is My Boyfriend Gay? Here’s to Tell If your Boyfriend is Gay

As a straight girl, this possibly wasn’t a question you ever thought you would find yourself asking, and yet, according to an article in Statista, “4.9% of the respondents in the US said that they identified as LGBT.

This means that 1 in 20 men are part of the LGBT and some might still be in the closet.”

Of course, this isn’t a very comforting statistic to hear, especially if you’re already suspicious that your significant other has more than a Batman cape hiding at the back of his wardrobe!

So how can you tell if he is gay?

Unfortunately, the only infallible proof you will have is if he comes out and tells you, at best, you can hazard a calculated guess.

Nevertheless, this article provides a few insightful clues to look out for if you’ve found yourself grappling with the question, is my boyfriend gay?

13 Signs Your Boyfriend Could Be Gay

1. He Tends to Socialize More with Women than Men

You might think as a gay guy, he would have a large circle of male friends, and yet in most cases, the opposite is true!

Instead, gay guys tend to cultivate good friendships with the opposite sex. This means your boyfriend will likely have many platonic friendships with girls and very few guy friends.

Perhaps this initially had you thinking he was having an affair?

2. You’ve Noticed Him Checking Out Other Men

Your man checking out another female can leave you feeling more than a little deflated, but when you catch him checking out other guys, this can definitely dent your ego!

Of course, if he’s not ready to reveal his sexual identity to you, he may keep his ‘ogling another dude’ down to a subtle glance or two.

Alternatively, he might be quite confident and happy to mention when he finds another man’s physique particularly attractive!

Either way, it’s a definite ‘hey, I might be gay’ clue and not one to be ignored!

Now you can take a quiz to know if your boyfriend is Gay .

3. He is on Gay dating apps

Okay, so this one is another big red flag!

Not that snooping on your boyfriend’s phone is acceptable, especially if you’re hoping your suspicions regarding his sexuality are unfounded.

However, sometimes a quick peek is needed to eliminate your worries. Look for gay dating apps such as jackd, Grindr, and Scruff on his phone; if you find any, it’s likely he’s into other guys or, at the very least, is bisexual.

Additionally, having these apps on his phone will mean he has a gay dating profile and is probably looking to hook up with other gay men.

So where do you, as the straight woman, fit in?

4. He Doesn’t Seem Interested in Having Sex with You

Emotional and physical detachment are two noticeable signs your boyfriend may be gay.

For example, you may have found he avoids romantic conversations, or if you haven’t been intimate yet, you might have noticed your advances make him uncomfortable.

In these situations, it’s perfectly reasonable to assume he doesn’t find women sexually attractive.

If you are having sex, it’s likely to be infrequent as he struggles with a low sex drive, or it possibly feels like he’s performing a duty to you as his lovemaking lacks passion, and he rarely, if ever, reaches climax.

5. He Acts Very Defensively When You Bring Up Such Topics

As humans, our natural form of defense is the offense.

This means if we are hiding something or are repressing our feelings in any way, we naturally react defensively as a form of self-preservation.

For example, suppose your boyfriend is uncomfortable talking about gay topics and immediately changes the conversation, becomes angry, or refuses to comment when jokes or comments are made; in that case, he may be struggling with accepting he is secretly gay and hasn’t come to terms with it yet.

6. He Exhibits Homophobic Behavior

Research suggests that the most homophobic men are gay themselves but ashamed and do everything they can to hide it.”

Homophobia can stem from various reasons, but sometimes this can come from the closeted gay man’s hatred of themselves.

Unable to accept that they are gay, they hate this aspect of themselves, so when it’s seen openly expressed in others, they lash out in anger and possibly jealousy.

If your man is homophobic, you may have seen him react negatively towards gay people using physical violence, verbal abuse, name-calling, jokes, threats, and bullying tactics.

If this behavior rings any bell then it’s a potential sign that you boyfriend is gay.

7. He Has Many Gay Friends

Be careful with this one, as not every man who is friends with LGBTQ people is gay; however, if his social circle is predominately LGBTQ, it’s time to stop and think for a second.

The average male is often uncomfortable around those who do not identify as ‘straight’; if your man is extremely comfortable around those who identify as LGBTQ and has many friends in this social setting, he may be a gay man pretending to be straight guy.

Of course, he could just be a nice guy who enjoys a wide circle of friends!

8. He Watches Male-oriented Adult Movies

Everyone has their kinks, especially in the bedroom, and what appeals to one person may not appeal to another.

However, being interested in a specific category of porn is often a clear indication of the type of sex a person enjoys or would enjoy if they were open about it.

If he tells you he’s interested in gay or bisexual porn or you catch him watching it on his own, it might be his way of inadvertently letting you know his sexuality is not what you thought it was.

Typical responses from a gay guy hiding his taste for gay porn might include excuses like, a friend sent him the link as a joke or it just popped up on their internet browser.

The clue here is how often does this happen?


And do they seem prepared to say anything to put your suspicions to rest?

If yes, it’s likely less of a fetish and more of a preference.

If you catch his Google history with these terms then the chances are very solid that your boyfriend is gay.

9. He’s Way Too Comfortable Being Physical with Men

The odd back-clap, manly hug, or handshake is perfectly acceptable amongst straight guys.

However, if your man is quite happy to express his feelings in a more touchy-feely kind of way concerning his male counterparts, it’s time for some honest reflection.

For example, does your man like to hold hands with other men?

Does his body language (touching) around his best friend, co-worker, or other men make you uncomfortable? If the answer is yes, your man might be gay.

10. He’s Been With Other Men Before

What more proof do you need? If you man has admitted to hooking up with another man, it’s clear he’s not batting for the straight team!

Of course, he may have explained this away with reasons such as he was drunk or high.

Unfortunately, this doesn’t provide solid evidence for his ‘I’m not gay, case.’


Because things like alcohol and drugs dull a person’s inhibitions (feelings of self-consciousness), meaning their actions become uninhibited (free).

So it’s very likely his gay sexual encounter was one he wanted and enjoyed.

11. You’ve Noticed Him Flirting with Other Guys

Clear indications of flirting include prolonged eye contact, suggestive comments, and flirty text messages.

But we don’t need to tell you this! If your man is flirting with another person (male or female), you’ll be the one to know!

It’s instinctive; we all know when our mate is giving someone else ‘come hither’ bedroom eyes, even if they do this subconsciously.

If you’ve noticed your man tends to stare at other men when you are out together, frequently compliments men on their appearance, and touches them in a way that seems sexual, he’s demonstrating his same-sex attraction for them.

12. His Body Language Screams, “Gay”

Did you know how your man swaggers down the pavement could hold some vital clues about his sexual orientation?

According to an article in Science Daily, observers can use gait and body shape to judge whether a person is gay or straight. Using precise measurements of their subject’s hips, waist, and shoulders, researchers determined that gay men tended to be more hourglass-shaped than straight men.

They also found that most of us can tell where a person’s sexual identity lies just by looking at the way they walk.

13. He has a Higher Pitch

You can often tell by listening to how a man talks if they are gay or not by the pitch (how high or low) their voice sounds. 

According to a study published by the  National Library of Medicine, gay men tend to speak in higher pitched tones than heterosexual men.”

Obviously, not every man who is softly spoken or speaks with less than growly dulcet tones is automatically gay.

It’s just something to be aware of when trying to determine if your boyfriend is gay.

Why Would Your Boyfriend Pretend to Be Straight?

  • Fear of Discrimination

Although we live in a more accepting world of LGBTQ people, sadly, there is still a lot of intolerance around, often from those closest (parents, friends, girlfriends) to the person pretending to be straight.

As a result, coming out as gay can be very intimidating. Imagine losing your entire support network because of your sexual identity.

  • Social Pressure

For centuries, certain cultures have promoted heterosexuality as the only way for a man to live. Unfortunately, today, anything that goes against this socially accepted norm is still considered wrong in many circles and treated as something to hide to avoid condemnation.

Perhaps your boyfriend is religious or was born into a culture where being gay can have severe social repercussions; you can understand their reasons for pretense.

  • Internalized Homophobia

Often those who struggle to accept their gay identity are weighed down by feelings of shame and self-loathing. Internalizing their homophobia (dislike of their sexuality), they pretend to be heterosexual as a coping strategy.

  • Career Considerations

Perhaps your boyfriend has a career that would make coming out as gay particularly challenging. For example, those in positions of power might feel their authority would be diminished (not be taken seriously) if they admitted they were gay.

Many gay guys, when grappling with the initial acceptance stages of being gay, fluctuate between confusion and denial. Unsure of their feelings, they’re still trying to figure out whether they are, in fact, gay. Perhaps your partner is struggling with gay-in-denial syndrome?

According to a Reddit User, there’s a specific pattern gay men follow when trying to figure out their sexual identity.

What To Do When You Suspect That Your Boyfriend Is A Gay?

  • Have a Clear Conversation with Him About This.

It’s perfectly natural to feel angry or tricked should you suspect your boyfriend is gay. It may even feel like a betrayal.

However, being disrespectful and making accusations won’t help you or your partner.

Instead, try to understand how they must be feeling, look at things from their perspective, and remember, you’re more likely to get an honest answer if your partner doesn’t feel on the defensive.

  • Avoid Assumptions

Even though you’ve read our list of signs that may indicate your man might be gay, remember a person’s behavior or sexual preferences are complex.

So while you may have observed them, and they may seem to tick all the proverbial boxes, their sexual orientation may be just as straight as yours!

Therefore, it’s best to ask and get your answer directly from them.

  • Offer Support

If you find out your suspicions were correct, the last thing you may want to do is offer your boyfriend support, yet now is when they need you the most.

Depending on whether you decide to remain in the relationship or go separate ways, try to offer as much emotional and practical support as possible.

  • Educate Yourself

It’s not likely that you will have an in-depth knowledge of the LGBTQ- community, but this is where the internet is your friend.

There are many online LGBTQ communities and support groups your boyfriend can access for help and advice.

It’s also a great way to learn about the different sexual identities and how best to support your boyfriend and other LGBTQ people.

  • Seek Professional Help

Finding out your other half is gay is tough, and it can cause a lot of stress and unhappiness on both sides. Sometimes the best way forward is to seek professional advice to help you both understand the significant shift in your relationship.


It’s a common misconception that gay men are more effeminate ( girly) than their heterosexual counterparts.

As a result, most people think a man who acts macho and manly can’t possibly be gay.

But nothing could be further from the truth, especially if you consider that a gay man could very easily use this logic to hide the fact that they are gay to avoid suspicion.

If you suspect your man is gay, do your homework because although finding out your other half is gay can be a bitter pill to swallow, can you imagine living a life where you couldn’t be the truest version of yourself?  

Finally, remember how you handle the situation is important.

If you decide to part ways, being respectful, courteous, and kind is imperative, as how you treat them can have a significantly negative impact on how they view the future of their sexual identity.

Jayme Wium
About Jayme Wium

Jayme is a certified relationship & communications Counselor and a professional writer with 13 years of experience. She lives in the United Kingdom with her Daxies, reading and writing as much as her free time will allow.

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