Why is my girlfriend avoiding physical touch?
Why does she say “no” to having sex?
Is my girlfriend not sexually attracted to me?
All these questions could go on and on in your head, making you doubt yourself and feel less confident in your overall attractiveness as a man.
But what if your girlfriend’s sexual desire is not as closely related to your looks and performance in bed as you think?
In recent sexual health research, it was shown that 33% of women in relationships lose interest in sex because of various other reasons.
Women who face relationship problems or are dissatisfied with the quality of their romantic relationships tend to feel less attracted to their partners.
Also, poor physical health, as well as mood disorders and even depression can affect a woman’s libido.
Here’s the thing:
If your girlfriend stops wanting to have sex with you or it seems that she doesn’t enjoy it, then maybe she isn’t sexually attracted to you anymore. Or maybe it’s something else entirely.
Because I know it’s hard not to feel rejected, I want to tell you about Alisha’s story (a female friend of mine).
After being together with her boyfriend for almost half a year, she started feeling uncomfortable during penetration.
She had no idea why that happened but she knew for sure that it wasn’t her BF’s fault. She was sexually attracted to him and he was doing everything right.
What was the problem, then? Alisha later figured out that she had difficulty relaxing during sex because she kept thinking about her problems at work.
However, that was only a phase that didn’t last long and she was soon able to go back to having a normal sex life.
Or, let’s take Susan’s example: She is married to a wonderful husband and openly admits that she finds him to be one of the sexiest men she knows.
However, her sex drive is considerably lower than his. As you can imagine, that became a problem in her marriage.
So, to keep the pressure low and still make sure they have a healthy sex life, Susan and her husband decided to have sex once per week, no matter what.
And you know what? It worked!
So, before you assume your GF is no longer attracted to you sexually, talk to her about it. Her answer might surprise you!
However, if you’ve already tried that approach and she avoids giving you answers, there is another way to find out.
Here are 12 signs your girlfriend isn’t sexually attracted to you (anymore) to look out for:
1. She keeps your phone calls short, but not sweet
A sign of general disinterest from your girlfriend and lack of sexual tension is when she either avoids your phone calls or keeps them really short.
It’s like she doesn’t enjoy talking to you. Instead, she always replies to the point and dodges the occasional banter. That’s why your conversations on the phone rarely last for more than 5 minutes.
On top of that, you may notice that she prefers to text you rather than talk to you on the phone. As you may already suspect, texting is less personal.
It allows her to think about what to say to you and how to say it. However, this is also a two-way street.
In case she’s doing her best to keep the conversation going through texts and is not dismissive, it could simply be a matter of preference.
However, if she often replies with monosyllabic words or at all, then her level of general attraction and sexual attraction to you could be pretty low.
2. Your girlfriend makes no attempts to flirt with you
While it may be true that some people are really bad at flirting (or don’t know how to flirt), if your girlfriend makes no attempts to flirt with you, take it as a warning sign.
Flirting is really important during every romantic relationship stage. In fact, experts can’t emphasize enough how essential flirting really is.
They actually encourage couples of all ages to never stop flirting with each other. This is not only meant to keep the flame burning in their relationship but also because of another reason.
According to a research article, flirting is much more than a mating exercise. It actually helps people imagine a shared future.
How so? As people flirt, they often find themselves hinting at things that could happen in the future.
Here’s an example: “You smell so good, I can’t keep my hands off of you. I can’t wait for us to get home so I can devour you.”
So, take a minute and answer the following questions:
Does she make prolonged eye contact with you?
Does she smile when she sees you?
Does she lean in when you’re close to her?
Is she initiating any physical contact?
If she doesn’t, she might not be sexually attracted to you.
3. You are her backup romantic partner
I know this sounds horrible, but it’s a possibility. You might be her backup romantic partner.
Let me explain:
While some women have absolutely no dating strategy and they go with the flow (just as most men do), there are some exceptions.
Your girlfriend could approach a different mating strategy called “partner insurance.” As shown in this thesis, it entails that you’re not the ideal boyfriend for her but even so, she keeps you as backup.
If that’s the case, the probability she’s not sexually attracted to you is high. She could be sticking with you because your relationship brings her many benefits.
Maybe your GF is afraid of being alone. She could need emotional or financial support from you, or similar things.
Whatever the case, she might be using you. So, give this some thought.
4. She avoids making eye contact with you
What does she do when you make eye contact with her?
A: She looks away.
B: She makes prolonged eye contact with you.
C: You can’t seem to make eye contact with her.
If you picked A:
According to personality and social psychology experts (as explained in this study), when your girlfriend avoids making eye contact with you, she signals the relational value she feels toward you.
Not looking directly into your eyes is a non-verbal cue that she’s either not sexually attracted to you or not at all.
If you picked B:
Your girlfriend is attracted to you both sexually and emotionally. She wants to build and explore an intense connection with you.
Looking deeply into your eyes makes her feel all sorts of happy feelings and could even have an arousing effect on her (depending on how you look at her).
If you picked C:
Unless your girlfriend is really shy or mad at you, there is really no excuse for not wanting to look into your eyes.
This could indicate that she’s being dishonest or that she sees eye contact as some form of confrontation.
5. Your girlfriend doesn’t spend time with you alone
Is she sexually attracted to you or not?
Another sign your GF’s body doesn’t react to yours is this: She doesn’t want to spend time alone with you (anymore).
Otherwise, why would she always invite you over when her friends are also there? Or, why would she say she’s tired and encourage you to leave at the same time with her friends?
She wouldn’t, I’m telling you. The fact that she doesn’t give you the chance to be alone with her could mean that she doesn’t want to get intimate with you (anymore).
But is this because she’s not feeling anything down there when you touch her? Not necessarily! Maybe she’s going through a similar situation as Alisha’s.
The truth is, you won’t know what’s really happening if you don’t ask her. To do that, though, you have to create a safe space for her to open up to you, but more about that later.
6. She makes negative comments about your appearance
Look, there’s nothing wrong if your girlfriend criticizes your outfit once. You must admit that your taste in fashion is not exactly flawless.
However, if she makes a habit of making negative comments about everything you wear or how you look, then it should make you think…
Her behavior kind of shows that she’s not happy with your appearance, which could be why she’s not being very touchy-feely with you.
Has she always been like that? Or were there times when she used to compliment your appearance?
If she’s been saying negative things to you about how you look since the beginning of your relationship, maybe she was hoping you’ll improve your looks.
If it’s something she started doing in time, then consider if you’ve let yourself go or if she’s met another, more sexually appealing guy.
Although this might sound shallow to you, if you’ve gained weight or started to pay less attention to grooming, you might be to blame.
Love and physical attraction sometimes don’t go hand in hand. So if you think you’ve neglected your physique lately, do your best to get back on track.
7. She consistently turns down your attempts to get close
Be honest: Have you ever had sex with your girlfriend? If you haven’t and she’s turning you down every time you want to initiate it, it could mean she’s not into you sexually.
However, if you’ve had sex before and she appeared to enjoy herself, then maybe something has changed.
Can you think of anything? There are certain women (including myself) who don’t like to be touched by their boyfriends when they’re angry or upset with them.
Could your GF be one of them? Or, let me put it this way: Have you done something she hasn’t yet forgiven you for?
Because if that’s true, then that’s why she behaves like that. She avoids physical and sexual contact with you because she doesn’t think you deserve it.
So, if you want things to go back to the way they used to be, then go out of your way to fix things with her. Don’t expect her to forgive you for something just because you say you’re sorry.
You also have to mean it to convince her.
8. Your girlfriend talks about other guys she finds attractive
Saying that you don’t find other women attractive is a lie. Even if you love your GF very much and you feel attracted to her in every way, you can still notice other sexy women.
The same goes for your SO. However, if she obviously checks out other guys when she’s with you, or if she keeps mentioning other handsome men, that’s not okay.
There is a limit when it comes to talking about the attractiveness of other people. If you feel that she crossed that line, it means trouble.
She might be indeed sexually attracted to other people and not to you. Or, you could also consider the fact that she could have certain fantasies or fetishes that involve other men.
Either way, openly discussing this topic with her could prove to be extremely helpful in the long run.
Is she dodging your questions when you’re face-to-face or talking on the phone? Try to text her about it. She might feel more comfortable talking about sex-related issues in writing.
9. She treats you as if you are her friend, not boyfriend
Has your girlfriend friend-zoned you? What does it really mean when you’re in the friend zone with a girl?
It basically means that you’re the one who has romantic intentions with her, while she sees you as a friend.
However, research suggests that it can also be described as a period of uncertainty for the relationship you have with her because you don’t expect the same things from each other.
To put it simply, when a woman friend-zones you, she knows you like her. But even if she doesn’t reciprocate your feelings, you hope that she’ll change her mind and want to be your GF.
Are you a dreamer? This study shows you’re not!
The truth is that 66% of romantic relationships evolve from friendships, so you might actually have a chance with her!
If you feel that things are not clear between you and her, then try to DTR with her. Who knows, maybe she’ll try to open up to you and tell you what’s really going on.
10. Your girlfriend never makes the first move
Is your girlfriend shy or simply lacks sexual interest in you? If she never makes the first move, then it could be both!
Listen, if your GF never kisses you first, touches you first, hugs you first, and so on, something is fishy.
You’re either dealing with an extreme case of shyness or with a woman who pretends to feel some sort of appeal for you.
Even if we’re looking at the worst-case scenario that implies she’s asexual (she doesn’t find anyone sexually attractive or feels any sexual desire) there is still no excuse for the lack of physical intimacy (holding hands, hugging, etc.) between the two of you.
On top of that, if she never initiates any of the above, then I’m sad to say that your relationship might be one-sided.
11. You feel there’s a lack of sexual chemistry
Everyone is different, so don’t expect to experience sexual chemistry in the same way your GF does.
But be alarmed if she doesn’t show any signs of it. If you’re into her sexually, then you already know how your body reacts to her.
You feel your heart rate increasing when you see her or think about her; your cheeks get flushed when you’re near her and all you want is to touch her.
Resisting this pull is nearly impossible for you, so how can she do it? Well… maybe she doesn’t feel the same way.
How can you tell for sure? Here are a few examples that she’s not feeling it:
- She doesn’t make eye contact with you and doesn’t give you “the look”
- She doesn’t respond to your touch by getting closer to you
- She doesn’t flirt with you or tease you either
- She gravitates away from you, not toward you
- She is moody and doesn’t want to fool around
12. She doesn’t make an effort to get attention or impress you
The last sign you need to find out exactly where things stand with your girlfriend is this: She’s taking you for granted.
How so? She doesn’t lift a finger to get your attention or to impress you. She thinks she’s entitled to your presence in her life and everything that comes with it.
Another explanation could be that she doesn’t want your attention or to impress you in any way. She may not want to look good for you, because she’s not interested in the sexual part.
However, this doesn’t mean she doesn’t care about you. Maybe she loves you, but she didn’t talk to you about her likes and dislikes when it comes to physical closeness and sex, yet.
It’s never too late to communicate to her about your concerns. In the end, that can prove to be more efficient than assuming.
What you can do if your girlfriend is not sexually attracted to you?
First of all, you have to understand that sexual attraction doesn’t equal love. What I mean is, your girlfriend’s feelings for you could be strong, but her sex drive could be low.
Second of all, if you and your SO never got close physically, it’s possible that she was never sexually attracted to begin with and you simply hoped things would change in time.
Now, whether things have changed between you and her or were always the same counts a lot.
If they’ve changed, think about Alisha and Susan. They still wanted to have sex with their partners, but couldn’t because of various reasons. Maybe your GF is in the same situation.
If things have not changed and your girlfriend never expressed a sexual desire for you, talking to her about it could be the solution.
Don’t underestimate the power of a good talk in a safe, non-judgmental space. She might surprise you with what she has to say, so give her a chance to explain herself.