Why Cats Are Superior to Boyfriends

As Valentine’s Day approaches, you may be one of the (not so) few who prefer job hunting to date hunting or who grimace when smitten friends ask about your plans. If Valentine’s Day is about as appealing as Tax Day, fear not. You may have the ultimate partner already hiding in your home. Probably under the couch.

1. Cats are better in bed. Your beau may cringe, but Kitty knows that those holiday brie fondue over-indulgences only add to the Tempurpedic softness of your gut and snuggles into your bedtime belly. No judgement. No snoring. How charming is your middle-aged Lothario with his ear hair, furry back, or layer of chub? But on a fluffy, plump tabby? Totes adorbs! Your pillow partner probably has pungent pits, but your four-footed furry is armpit-free – guaranteed! It’s true that neither bed buddy clips his lethal toenails, but at least Kitty lets you take a crack at it. It’s his way of helping you feel useful. Your cat knows he is perfect just as he is, and extends you – his loyal employee – the same courtesy. He will never, ever judge you. Out loud.

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2. Cats understand boundaries. Your furball has the good sense to skitter under the bed at warp speed when your mom drops in. Your Man of the Hour would benefit from the same strategy, but does he do it? Nope. And does Kitty invite the mangy neighborhood cats over for beer and poker? Nope again. But when you invite your friends over, Kitty strolls from lap to lap like a boss as your gal pals swoon. And you? You’re not even jealous! Can your man do that? If so, it’s time for couples therapy. But you and your fur baby are in sync. Your cat understands when to give you space and when to unleash his charisma.

3. Cats are low maintenance. Man toys cost two months’ salary and require gasoline, a jackhammer, or immediate evacuation if assembly goes awry. Cat toys are $3 and don’t overtake the garage. Instead, Kitty hides them in your shoes for safe keeping. Also, they bathe themselves regularly, and you don’t have to worry about them dressing appropriately. Enough said.

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4. Cats express their feelings. Men of Few Words often leave us wondering what goes on in that wind tunnel between their ears. Cats don’t speak either, but they communicate brilliantly with only the quiver of a tail (a sign of highest affection), a headbutt (a better “I love you” than your Dream Boat’s pat on the tush), or a slow squinting of the eyes (an act of trust). It’s also not awkward when they cry, beg you to feed them, or grace you with a bit too much backside. And while they may complain – or pee in the corner – when you leave them behind for a few days, they are always thrilled to see you. And when you let them outside to explore, you don’t worry that they’ll stray.

There are certain things we won’t consider here – such as the occasional success of having two or three at once – but the short list above should make it obvious that spending February 14th – and every day after that – with your fabulous feline may be a better gift than any inappropriate trinket, sports team memorabilia, or chalky “Be Mine” candy heart your love may bestow. So find your fleece jammies and favorite chardonnay, and snuggle in with your faithful, four-footed furball for a marathon of all the wide-screen decadence your independent heart desires.

Written by Kristen Fiore,  Relationup Staff Writer