You finally met someone great! You have been dating about 4 months and everything is going really well. But the amphetamine-like rush of endorphins that were released in large quantities at the beginning of your new relationships are beginning to wane. The highs of being swept up in intensity are beginning to decrease. The passion of the honeymoon phase of the relationship is starting to calm.
As this next phase of your relationship begins and familiarity, comfort, and safety set in, you might yearn to get back to the thrill of a new relationship.
At Relationup (a service that provides immediate, online relationship advice from professionals- download the iOS app here or chat now on the web), our data reveals that there are 4 common mistakes that people make to shake up their relationship and in the process destroy a perfectly good, blossoming romance.
1. You allow your insecurities to rule. You confuse this comfortable feeling for an empty feeling and conclude that something is missing. You worry that this pit in your stomach is a sign that your partner is not as into you as they once were. So, your default is to worry that their interests are elsewhere. You start accusing, snooping, investigating social media, getting angry, needing constant reassurance and creating drama. All of this is an effort to get more attention and feel wanted. In the end, you partner feels that you are too insecure and too needy. Reassuring you about their commitment becomes a full time job they don’t want.
2. You demand that the relationship be 100 percent of your partner’s focus. You erroneously think that you can get back that intense feeling if you and your partner focus all your energy and time on one another. After all, you remember how good it felt to be in your relationship cocoon. So, you try and discourage external friendships, interests, connections with family, and work relationships, as they are all seen as being in competition with your relationship. Before long, the relationship feels stifling and your partner feels controlled.
3. You pick fights about anything. You miss that intensity, so your next best idea is to create that intensity through fights. You share your nasty, internal critical voice that pokes at all the little things- the way they dress, their manners, their job and income and their efforts in the relationship. Some days, you feel that they just “don’t do anything right”. Disapproval and disappointment are constantly being conveyed. In the end, your partner feels that they are always being criticized and can never please you.
4. You become distant and aloof. You miss that lovin’ feeling and your best thinking is to pull away and make your lover miss you and work to get you back. You become less available, less demonstrative and harder to read. Instead of this motivating your partner to get back to romance and reel you in, they experience you as unavailable and too much work.
The time in a relationship when it shifts out of the infatuation stage can be disheartening, especially if you’re a person who likes to live in a dopamine induced “I’m in love with being in love” haze. Try to understand that this stage is the natural progression of a healthy relationship and a gateway that leads to more meaningful, interdependent, deeper connection.
Written by Rhonda Milrad, LCSW
Founder and Chief Relationship Advisor