Am I a good lover? We all wonder this at some point. Sex Educator, Laci Green states “If you have watched any of the nine-bijillion romantic comedies out there, you would think that good sex is simply a matter of being ferociously attracted to each other, a little bit of witty banter, and a steamy moment of surrender…” In truth, great sex is a bit more complicated than that, but it is built upon some fundamental basics. If you integrate these 7 practices into your sex life, your partners will be more than grateful and in turn, you will feel pretty amazing, yourself!
Attunement to partner’s feelings and needs
Are they wanting sex, too? Are they in the mood? Pressuring someone to accommodate your need for sex is not okay and any pressure can be considered emotional blackmail or, worse, sexual abuse. When you are both in the mood, sex is not only so much better, but it is connecting.
However, there is nothing wrong with trying to encourage things by tender, respectful seduction. A calming back rub, a soothing head rub or a relaxing foot massage are all nice ways to initiate touch that might lead to more intimacy. Sometimes, partners need to be eased into the mood.
Also, take the time to check in with your partner about why they might feel “too tired,” or “too stressed out” for intimacy. You may find they had something to share that you hadn’t expected and, in the process, you create emotional closeness when you hear them out. Then, right back to our original statement- emotional closeness (i.e. when someone lets loose…) can result in some amazing sex.
Appealing Grooming and Hygiene
This may seem like a no-brainer but you would not believe how much people underestimate how bad hygiene is a turn off…even when their partner is interested in having sex . So ask yourself, do I smell good? Should I clean up? Is my breath fresh? Even if you enjoy being the sexy beast that you are, make sure you have used some soap in the last 24 hours.
Unlike men, many women struggle to have an orgasm during sex. For some, it may be due to their sexual inexperience and for others, it may be due to their lack of sexual knowledge. So, out of insecurity and embarrassment over this, women have a history of feigning orgasms.
When orgasm is faked and women are not gaining full pleasure during sex, it is common for these individuals either to desire sex less or avoid it altogether.
It is also very common for men to lack sexual knowledge and not understand both their own bodies and their partner’s bodies. This can lead to their inability to bring their partner pleasure. So, it is important for both people to find resources, read, listen to podcasts, watch instructional videos, seek out experts and understand the fundamentals of being a good lover.
Know your body and what turns you on
You are responsible for knowing what works for you! Sure, your partner may be able to help you explore, but it is your responsibility to teach them how and what gives you pleasure. Due to societal restraints, being vocal about what sexually feels good can often be more challenging for women than men. However, connection between a couple is enhanced when you both feel confident to share your needs with each other. Also, like a self fulfilling prophesy, partners feel more confident as lovers when they believe they have the skill to thrill you sexually. This, in turn, raises their self-esteem and, in turn, actually results in them becoming better lovers. So, go ahead- teach them what works for you!
Balanced give and take
Are you both feeling fulfilled in your sex life? Are one partner’s needs being met more than the other’s? Selfishness ranks as one of the top reasons women stop enjoying sex. Passivity ranks as one of the top reasons men no longer enjoy it. It is important that you both are actively engaged and participating! This is a team effort, here!
Communication. Communication. Communication
Do you ask your partner if there is something you could do that would make it better for them, sexually? Can your partner give you feedback about their sexual needs without feeling judged or afraid of hurting your feelings? Do you let your partner know what you would love to do but are embarrassed to say? People are different, bodies are different, and preferences are different. What might have worked with one partner may not work with the next. So, explore and communicate. Just remember, we all do better with positive reinforcement than we do with negative. Pointing out that something they are doing is “Awesome!” will likely increase the chances that they will do that amazing thing again.
Drop your insecurities
Maybe you are a little self-conscious about certain parts of your body, but remember your partner is not seeing you the same way and, in fact, you clearly turn them on. So, drop that insecurity (and your clothes!), drop those inhibitions and work that sexy body of yours! Nothing is more attractive than confidence! You do not need to have any fancy moves or even a lot of experience. Attitude actually matters more than skill level. Instead of worrying about your body and all your hangups, allow yourself to feel good in your skin and focus on how attracted you are to your partner and having fun. Get lost in the moment!